


Heartache

by Scriitor_Neautorizat



Series: Saying Goodbye [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Explicit Language, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Obsessive Behavior, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sex, So much angst, Suicidal Thoughts, but you have to be warned, i wrote that, one of these tags is not like the others
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:15:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24554506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scriitor_Neautorizat/pseuds/Scriitor_Neautorizat
Summary: Part two of Feel for You that deals with the few months after Erwin's injury up to his death, seen mainly from Levi's perspective. An introspective work on poor self-image and the trials of being in a high stakes relationship.I had to write this to get it out of my system. It was almost a therapeutic process for me and while I am not too content with the result, I enjoyed writing this, even if it took me forever to just motivate myself to write it.The fic is finished. Don't be angry with me for how I will portray the characters. It made sense with how I imagined things going down.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Series: Saying Goodbye [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1780207
Comments: 19
Kudos: 70





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _I pull away to face the pain  
>  I close my eyes and drift away  
> Over the fear that I will never find  
> A way to heal my soul  
> And I will wander 'til the end of time  
> Torn away from you_

“ _If you were to ask me what the happiest moment of my life is, my mind can instantly conjure up one moment:_

_Historia had delivered the final blow to the Rod Titan and an explosion ensued. I saw her plunge to the ground, but I was not worried for her. On the contrary, I felt as if, for the first time in many many weeks, I could finally unfurrow my brow and take in the ‘fresh’ air. I grappled back on the wall and soared up on it. As I landed atop the wall, I searched after him._

_There he was. The sun was rising behind him, making his golden hair shine against the blue backdrop of the sky. He was looking down at the soldiers that were cheering and regrouping and I could distinguish the small curve at the corners of his mouth. As if he could feel my gaze on him, his eyes turned and found mine. My heart swelled in my chest and I felt a chill run through me. And it wasn’t because my clothes were soaking wet._

_He turned around to face me and I instinctively began walking -_ _then running towards him. I used the emergency release button from my belt and my maneuver gear came off. I heard it rattle behind me, but I didn’t care. I was caught in a trance by those gleaming blue eyes and they guided my feet towards him. His face became clearer, his smile unable to be contained anymore and his arm opened for me. My body almost slammed into his, as I latched on to his shirt, closing my eyes, taking in his scent and sighing contently against him. He wrapped his arm around me, enclosing me in the warm fort made by his Survey Corps cloak._

_I pulled away just slightly to look up at him, unable to stop myself from smiling- a rarity even back then. I felt a jab seeing his busted lip and swollen left eye up close, but I didn’t let that ruin the moment._

“ _I think we did it,” he said to me. I nodded and rose on the tips of my toes. Erwin leaned forward and our lips locked in a tender kiss. We didn’t even care there were people still running around us._

_So, if you were to ask me about the happiest moment of my life, I’d tell you it was when I could finally sigh in relief after a long and tormenting battle, in the arms of the person I loved the most and who, most importantly, loved me back with the same intensity.”_

  
  


As brief as that was, things had to move on. Historia was still down below, Eren was emerging from his Titan and the newly awoken people of Orvud district still had to process what had happened to their quiet little town over the span of a few hours. And all fingers would be pointing at Erwin, waiting for answers.

  
  


Erwin broke away from Levi and said “You’re cold. You should change your clothes.”

“That’s not important right now. We have to make sure Historia is okay down there and count any casualties-”

He stopped suddenly, as the image of the cave they escaped from just a few hours ago came back in his head. Did anyone survive that...? Did _he_ make it out...?

Levi’s squad started landing near Erwin, all looking like a bunch of tired wet rats.

“Commander, your orders?” Jean Kirschstein asked in a booming voice, obviously still running on adrenaline. They all seemed twitchy and anxious, their minds alert, but their bodies reaching their limits.

“Someone take Eren to the recovery house, where Hange should be if she followed my orders,” Erwin said and they began walking to the elevators. Mikasa was already by Eren’s side, supporting him upwards, despite the boy’s protests. “I will deal with the report and authorities and– he stopped and looked everyone in the eye– I would like you all to act as eye witnesses to Historia delivering the last blow, which she did, but in case people still wonder who it was, make sure to...hype it up, okay?”

“Yes, sir!” everyone said in one voice.

“Other than that, if your bodies can still take it, assist the Garrison with any casualties or questions. The Survey Corps will regroup to the base inside Wall Rose before sundown. Take that information as you see fit.”

“Yes, sir!”

The kids started dispersing, each still having enough energy left to help around. Just before stepping on one of the elevators that went down, Erwin looked around himself and saw that Levi was gazing behind himself at the marks left on the ground by Rod’s Titan.

“Levi? Are you coming down?” Erwin asked holding his hand up for the elevator operator not to go down yet. Levi turned his eyes back at Erwin and he looked worried.

“I...I need to do something first. I need to check if there’s still any...enemies behind...at the cave...” Levi said in a hesitant voice, so uncharacteristic of his normal snarky tone. He walked over to Erwin and they began their descent with the elevator.

“Are you thinking of anyone in particular...?” Erwin asked quietly, examining Levi’s face carefully.

“Maybe...”Levi said.

“Then I guess I will see you at the base?”

“Yes, I’ll see you then.”

“One moment,” Erwin said and with one swoop of the hand, he unpinned his cloak and draped it awkwardly on Levi’s shoulders. Levi stared at him incredulously, but wrapped himself in the oversized cloak and welcomed its warmth. Somehow, Levi always ended up wearing Erwin’s clothes.

As soon as they reached the ground, Erwin was greeted by some Garrison officers and Levi went to borrow a horse for his new mission. At first he wanted to go alone and not involve anyone in this ordeal, just in case things took a turn for the worse, but after some consideration, he found two other volunteer soldiers and took them with him.

He couldn’t help but feel anxious about what he might find. So much for his moment of ease...

  
  


  
  


He woke up with a start when he heard the door to the room close. He looked around confused of his whereabouts for a moment. The sun seemed to have set for a while, darkness engulfing the chamber. He heard a shuffling noise, as Levi took off his shoes and cloak and a clicking noise when he laid something on the table. Erwin could hear him sigh as he took off his shirt and blindly went to the drawer to get something clean to wear. Erwin carefully sat up in bed and lit a match–he surprised himself with what ease he learned to do that with just one hand, when belting his own pants presented itself as a constant struggle. He lit the candle on the bedside table.

“Hey...” he said in a hoarse voice.

“Go back to sleep,” Levi said sitting on the edge of the bed, his back turned to Erwin, as he changed his pants and scrubbed his feet with a towel. His voice was raspier than usual.

“I dozed off for a moment,” Erwin said rubbing his eyes. He waited a few moments for Levi to say something, but it seemed that the Captain was talking his time getting ready for bed.

“How did it go?” Erwin tried again. “Are you okay...?”

Levi sighed once again and sat up. He turned around and Erwin caught a glimpse of his pained and exhausted expression, right before he scampered into bed at Erwin’s right side. He reached over Erwin’s torso and blew out the candle, submerging them into darkness once more.

Now that the dark offered some comfort, Levi rested his head on Erwin’s chest and his arm over his torso. Erwin pursed his lips tight, as a painful jab shot though his body, but he didn’t want Levi to notice.

It had been more than a week since they last seen each other and even before the Uprising started, they didn’t have time to properly talk about anything but work or the mission ahead. So much had happened in those past few days, it felt like centuries had passed over them. But yet, the comfort of being so close to each other stayed the same.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Erwin whispered, rubbing his hand over Levi’s arm that was holding him.

“My name is Levi Ackerman.” Levi said abruptly. “Kenny the Reaper was my uncle. He is now dead.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Where do I take this pain of mine  
>  I run, but it stays right my side  
> So tear me open, pour me out  
> There's things inside that scream and shout  
> And the pain still hates me  
> So hold me, until it sleeps_  
> ( _Until It Sleeps, Metallica_ )

* * *

_I think the signs were there from the beginning, but I was too delusional to see them. I want to say that everything that happened between the time I last saw Erwin and the time we reunited on the wall did not affect our personalities or relationship with one another, but I was gravely mistaken. We were both different people and I think the change occurred when Erwin lost his arm._

_I don’t want to claim I never changed during this time, but Erwin’s change of personality or temperament was more visible. And I didn’t want to accept it. I clung so fiercely to the old way we used to be, that it put a strain on our relationship even more._

_I hated change. And I didn’t want to accept it. Neither did Erwin. And so we both fell._

  
  


They ended up sleeping for 20 hours, a record for either one of them and so by the time they woke up, the sun was setting again.

Narrating his childhood and his relationship with Kenny took out the very last ounce of energy Levi had left. But he felt...lighter. He had bared his soul to Erwin in the dead of night and it had been terrifying, but cathartic. He felt stupid for never mentioning any of this to him before, but the time was finally right. He felt sorry for Kenny, for how he died, but at least he got a tiny bit of closure before the bastard kicked the bucket. Now, if only they had talked this through more....that and Kenny not trying to kill him and his crew.

When he woke up, he was confused. He felt drowsy, but somehow content. What an odd feeling...there was no urgency for the moment. And so, he could afford laying back down and laze around for another five minutes. He turned to his left and saw that Erwin was sleeping in the same position he had left him and he didn’t seem too peaceful. Levi had a flashback of Erwin’s recovery period in the convalescence house. Those nights of delirium took their toll on both of them, as even now Levi felt the need to check Erwin’s pulse and temperature. But when he pressed his fingers to Erwin’s jugular, the Commander opened his eyes and looked at Levi confused.

“What happened? What time is it?” he asked in a hoarse voice.

“No idea. But I don’t think it’s still Victory day.” Levi said retracting his hand, but continuing to examine Erwin’s sleepy and puffy face. The bruise above his left eye was now turning purple and his busted lip formed a scab. “How are you feeling, Erwin?”

“Okay, why?” Erwin replied all too quickly and tried to smile, but he felt his lip sting. Levi saw him cringe. They stared at each other for a few seconds, until Levi gently cupped his cheek and leaned in closer.

“I really thought I lost you there...” he said quietly. “And as the cave was collapsing around us, I remember thinking... ah, at least Erwin made it out alive...”

Erwin blinked slowly, not sure if he was supposed to say something to that or let Levi continue.

“And then we met again...” Levi said after a while and pulled himself up on his elbow and leaned his forehead against Erwin’s. “And I was so happy...so selfishly happy...”

“You weren’t selfish, Levi...” Erwin whispered caressing Levi’s shoulder. “I was happy to see you too.”

He craned his neck and they locked lips. They sighed against each other, ignoring their stale breaths and picking up the pace. The brief kiss they had before parting ways a week or so ago had definitely not been enough. Levi wanted more. He moved on top of Erwin, while sucking down on his lip. His hand roamed down between them and wanted to explore more under Erwin’s shirt. When he ran his hand over Erwin’s ribs, the Commander gave a jolt and a groan escaped his throat. Levi pulled away immediately and frowned at him. That was not an excited groan.

“What happened?” he asked searching Erwin’s face. Erwin tried to act dismissive, but when Levi wanted to pull up his shirt to look under it, he tried to oppose him.

“What are you...–” Levi said and gritted his teeth as he quickly slapped Erwin’s hand away and just ripped the shirt open, making the buttons fly off into the room. Levi’s mouth fell open. “Erwin...what the...?” Levi said taking in the large purple blotches on Erwin’s sides and stomach. He gently ran his fingers over them, as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

Then he could feel the blood bubbling in his veins. “Who did this?” he snarled, getting off Erwin. “I want names, now!”

“Levi!” Erwin pleaded. “It doesn’t matter anymore...”

“Who did it?” Levi barked getting off the bed, seemingly ready to march right off to the Capital and kill any Military Police people he would find. Erwin also jumped to his feet, wincing in pain at the sudden movement. This made Levi’s resolve falter. He allowed himself to be pulled back away from the door, but still gave Erwin a scowl.

“It really doesn’t matter anymore,” Erwin said. “Don’t go after anyone, do you understand?” Seeing that Levi didn’t answer, he had to add a warning “Levi...?”

“Fine! I won’t.” Levi said not looking Erwin in the eye. He wouldn’t give him his word though.

Erwin, sensing the storm was averted for the moment, tried to change the subject. “I think it’s time to get out of this room. I have a mountain of papers waiting for me...”

“Always thinking about work....” Levi said looking outside the window. There were still people on the training grounds, but they were only talking in small groups, any training sessions having ended for a while now. When Levi turned his gaze back to the room, he felt a familiar chill run through him. Erwin was standing with his back turned to him and he was grasping at his empty shirt sleeve. His hand then went up to his shoulder and began rubbing it.

“Erwin? Are you okay?” Levi asked tentatively. Erwin seemed to have just snapped back to reality and looked behind himself, as if surprised to see that Levi had been watching him.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay.” He said, sketching a smile again and letting go of his shoulder. “There’s gonna be a lot of paperwork...”

“Yeah...” Levi said, still watching Erwin suspiciously. The Commander however, began undressing, as he was ready now to get out of the room.

“What are you going to do, Levi...Ackerman?” Erwin asked.

“Don’t call me that!” Levi said and took a towel from the drawer and went to take a long overdue shower.

  
  


After Levi left the room, Erwin sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. The pain was back...and it scared him.

He was hoping that with this whirlwind of events from the past couple of weeks, his mind would be too busy to notice the never ending dull pain, sometimes jabs, in his right stump. He thought back at the form he signed at the convalescence house that said that he was aware that he was leaving against medical advice. That nurse obviously knew what she was talking about, but there really wasn’t any time to waste. Especially not waste on him. But...he thought, as he massaged his shoulder, he did rush into things. He wasn’t fully recovered. It had been more than two weeks since the “bite” and he still hurt. Why did he still feel pain? There was no arm left! The stump itself didn’t hurt, but something did. And not knowing what it was or what to do to alleviate it nagged him, like a constant background noise you can’t ignore nor understand properly either.

He put his hand over his brow and winced as his torso hurt. He scoffed. Everything hurt! How pitiful! How could he lead these people when he was acting like an old fart, complaining of phantom pain and being intimidated by some bruises?

Maybe now that he could get some actual rest, things would improve. All doctors recommend rest to recover. This was his time. He even managed to sleep a whole day by the looks of it. He couldn’t remember when that last happened.

There was however, still something that didn’t let him fool himself completely: Levi.

He already noticed how Erwin was prone to moments of freezing up and just...not being there anymore. Erwin couldn’t help himself when that happened. It was like missing a step on the staircase when going down. And when it happened, his mind got muddled up and he couldn’t hear anything from the “outside world” anymore. He was on the battlefield again when he went in one of those moments. Not in the dark prison cell, not in front of the fake King or on the imaginary scaffold ready for him. He was still being carried away by the Titan that simply jumped at him out of nowhere. Thump-thump-thump went its steps, pounding in his ears, the pain searing through his whole body, as he was being dragged and swung around like a rag doll just by one limb.

Would he have survived if he waited a few more agonizing seconds for the soldiers to cut down that Titan? Maybe his arm wouldn’t have been fully functional if it remained attached anyway... He tried imagining how he would’ve dragged his arm around, limp and dead weight. That would have been horrendous. And disgusting.

He peered at his stump from between his fingers. He knew it was wrong and kind of stupid...but he just couldn’t bear to look at his body in the mirror anymore. He couldn’t look at his stump for too long either. To him it looked monstrous. Pink, fleshy and limp. The stitches have healed in some white bumpy scars, but the remaining flesh was not arranged neatly when it had been sown up and it looked... _wrong_.

He felt sick and so he looked away. And so he thought, if _he_ couldn’t stand the sight of it, how could he subject anyone to such a view? He felt embarrassed to let Levi be too close to it. Never had he felt like that either! He had never been overly narcissistic, but he did acknowledge that he had been blessed with a good looking body and face. And...he had to admit, he sometimes played the “good looking” card to his advantage.

Now they took it away from him. He smiled bitterly....it was what he deserved. He had been too confident, too cocky, tempted fate and now fate took him, chewed him up and spat him back out. And he was supposed to accept it, or ignore it, act like “it was just a limb”, there were other people who had to suffer with worse injuries, but it was his body, damn it! His arm! His dignity! He had been in control of himself and now he couldn’t wipe his own ass if he didn’t have assistance! He wanted to be in control again!

But he had been in control... when he cut his own arm off. _You decided that. Why are you still complaining? Suck it up!_

He didn’t notice when Levi came back in the room and was now staring at him staring at a corner of the room. Only when Levi posted himself right in front of him, hair dripping wet from his shower, did he startle back to reality.

_That concerned look again..._

“Erwin, are you okay?” Levi asked worried.

“Yeah,” Erwin said briskly, although the linings of his eyes were glistening wet. “Just thinking of all the work I have to do...”

“You don’t have to do it all right now,” Levi said. Erwin sat up from the bed, ready to leave this time. “You...you would tell me if anything were wrong, right, Erwin?”

That sounded more like a plea than a question. Erwin pursed his lips and nodded his head. “Yeah, of course.” he said and got out of their room.

Lies.

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These first chapters are a little smaller, so I will post them a little faster

* * *

For once, everyone was okay. They were all allowed a few days to recover or to just breathe. The Survey Corps was regrouping again, applications flying in after their last successful mission.

But as Levi insisted, Erwin had to delegate that to someone else, as he had to prioritize his own healing. This however, made them realize just how many good and experienced soldiers they had lost along the line...not that many soldiers to delegate to. Mike was dead, Nanaba and her whole squad were dead, all of Hange’s squad apart from Moblit was dead....but at least the entirety of Levi’s crew was still intact for once.

Historia had been requested to remain in the Capital. She was nervous and didn’t want to leave her friends, but it was now her duty. Since Erwin was forcefully bedridden, Hange was also injured and Moblit was just not authoritative enough, Levi rode with Historia to her new headquarters. At first, their interactions were tense, but soon enough, they got along surprisingly well. Although she was at least half his age, there was something about her that made Levi trust her. She had that royal je ne sais quoi. And it was nice to have someone in the interior who sided with the Survey Corps for once.

They settled her in her new humongous apartment, went through a never-ending inquiry by the news reporters and Military Police, but with Levi throwing them black looks whenever they overstepped their bounds, that part of the job went well. By the end of it, Historia was exhausted. But grateful that she wasn’t completely alone.

“Trust me, once the other brats get better, you will want them to leave you alone,” Levi mumbled during one of their breaks.

“I am surprised they are actually accepting me this fast...” Historia said nervously.

“Many people have already vouched for you. You had all those eyewitnesses on the wall, the Survey Corps helped hyping you up a bit, the people we know in the press were quick to react....And maybe people are just tired of being lied to and want change...” Levi said.

“So much so that they’d accept a 15 year old girl on the throne...” Historia said and pursed her lips. She suddenly turned sad and thoughtful.

Levi watched as she turned morose. “You are in good hands. I’ll send the brats to join you soon.”

She sketched a smile. “Thank you. Sorry to be a pain...”

“You’re not.” Levi said quickly and then sipped his tea. It was Historia’s turn to look at him intently.

“Ever since the cave...I’ve been having some dreams...I am not sure if I am making it all up or if it’s the memories from my father, but...that man...Kenny Ackerman, was around the royal family a lot...until Frieda became the Titan...”

Levi gave her an ugly look. So, news traveled fast...must have been those soldiers he took with him to investigate the remains of the battlefield.

“He was related to you...” Historia said in a neutral tone, but avoided his gaze.

“I am not like him. At all.” Levi snapped. He remembered that Kenny was the one who killed Historia’s mother right in front of her and maybe his association with that murderer frightened her.

“One thing we might have in common, though, besides the name and a bad reputation...” Levi added in a calmer tone. “We are both loyal to the royal family. You can trust me. I promise I will protect you, your Highness.”

Historia giggled. “You don’t have to call me that. And thank you, Captain Levi. I need all the support I can get right now.” She seemed to relax a little bit.

“You’ll do fine, kid.” Levi said and took the last sip of his tea. “Come on, more drilling.”

“Oh boy...” Historia said and slouched after him outside for another round of interrogations.

  
  


It was really late at night when he got back to the base. Historia had been left in the Capital, heavily guarded by trusted soldiers.

Before leaving that morning he had told Erwin to stay in bed or he would incapacitate him enough to give him a reason not to be able to get up anymore. Erwin played nice or else Levi wouldn’t have left and while he lounged in bed for another hour, he just couldn’t take it anymore. So, he spent almost the entire day in the office, organizing the never-ending paperwork, reading and approving applications, talking with Hange, who was also supposed to recover in her room, but managed to escape the doting Moblit long enough to do some catching up with the Commander. They commemorated their fallen comrades, even joked remembering some of their adventures. It was nice catching up.

The sun was going down when Moblit whisked Hange away, upset that Hange missed out on rest and meals. Hange complained that all the fun and interesting people were “above ground”, while her recovering room was in the basement. Only when Hange and Moblit left, Erwin got a moment to reflect. His hand began rigorously massaging his right shoulder, as the nagging pain reared its ugly head again. The truth was that it had been like this all day, but he managed to distract himself well enough to ignore it. But just like Hange, he too got too carried away. He had to get out of there and eat something before Levi came back possibly actually hurt him that time.

How did he become so afraid of Levi? He usually saw his caring about his wellbeing very endearing, but sometimes...recently...it became a little overbearing. He wasn’t sure if he had changed in this regard or Levi became... _obsessed_ with taking care of him. Sometimes, he had to admit that he would do whatever Levi said just so that he would stop being so doting on him.

Thinking like this made him feel horrible. It sounded like he was complaining for having someone care for him. And Levi did care for him. Levi _loved_ him. And he knew that every time he felt bad or was hurt, Levi would suffer right beside him. He wished he didn’t have that effect on Levi...he never wanted him to care so much it hurt him too.

Realizing it was later than he anticipated, he hurried to get back to bed. He felt ridiculous, but he didn’t want to fight that night. But he was lucky, Levi was running late too and so he even managed to wash himself a bit before bed. His bruises were healing okay. He was still very much sore and having neglected his “day of rest” made things worse.

By the time he finally got in bed, Levi also arrived. He washed quickly and made his way to his and Erwin’s room.

“Hey,” he said seeing the Commander in bed. “Happy to report that the Queen of the Walls has settled in without incidents. She said she will be feeling lonely for a while, so I told the brats to go see her soon.”

“Sounds good. Thank you, Levi.” Erwin said in a tired voice. Levi took off his boots, changed into his sleeping clothes and then hopped into bed next to Erwin.

“What did you do today?” the Captain asked.

“Oh, you know...nothing, like you told me.”

“And if I go in your office right now, I won’t find half of the paperwork already done, right?” Levi said. Erwin tried to keep a straight face, but he saw that Levi had a playful gleam in his eye. “Yeah...I thought so...”

“I got bored, Levi...” Erwin said. Levi mocked him and stretched his neck to get a kiss. Erwin complied and pressed his lips against Levi’s.

“You can do better than that,” Levi protested to this chaste kiss. He rose on his elbow and pushed his leg in between Erwin’s. He attacked Erwin’s mouth once again, this time the Commander replying better. He sensed that Levi had that urgency in him again. He tried to keep up, but he still felt more passive than usual. He hoped that Levi didn’t mind...

Levi began rolling his hips against him to get some friction. He missed Erwin and his body for so long he felt he might blow his fuse quite fast. He kissed and licked the side of Erwin’s neck, while the other was running his hand up and down his side. The sound of Erwin’s quickened breath spurred him and he slid his hand down Erwin’s pants. He felt Erwin’s jaw clench and he couldn’t help but smile against his neck. He traced his throat with his tongue all the way up to his chin and then stopped for a few moments to look at Erwin, drink him up, drown in those dark blue eyes. Levi’s hand took a hold of Erwin’s still soft penis and began rubbing it languidly, as he also rocked his hips against him.

Erwin closed his eyes and swallowed with difficulty. He wanted it...he wanted it to happen so bad he felt like crying...and usually it would have happened by now...

Levi continued his tracing of Erwin’s jaw, throat and collarbones with his mouth and tongue, while picking up the pace with his hand. He noticed though, that Erwin stopped reacting to his touch...also, he had been stroking him for a minute or so and nothing was happening.

He looked up at Erwin’s face and saw the Commander frowning at the ceiling, a pained look on his face. He bit his bottom lip as if concentrating really hard on something.

“Is...um...you’re not...” Levi said also frowning now as no matter how he rubbed or stroked, Erwin remained limp in his hand.

And then Erwin put his hand over Levi’s, indicating him to stop. Nothing was going to happen that night.

“Erwin?!” Levi said with a confused look on his face.

“I am sorry, Levi... I am just really tired tonight...”

Levi retracted his hand and pulled away. He cleared his throat and they both stared at the ceiling, silence pounding in their ears.

“Is it me? You don’t want to fuck me anymore?” Levi tried again, trying to mask his frustration. He looked at Erwin. He had closed his eyes and his jaw was set tightly.

“No, it’s not you. I haven’t been feeling my best lately...” Erwin said in a quiet voice, but he knew it sounded like a lame excuse. But it was true. He wanted to have sex with Levi, he had been thinking about it for a while and he thought it would happen at first, but when...the closer Levi got to him and his damn stump, he couldn’t help but become preoccupied and distracted by its grotesque presence between them. Levi didn’t seem bothered by it, but Erwin couldn’t stand it. He tried focusing on what the Captain was doing, but the image of his amorphous fleshy stump filled his mind instead. And now the mood was ruined. He should say something. Tell Levi why he couldn’t get it up. _Tell him! Just open your mouth and tell him why. Say something! Anything is better than this overwhelming silence_.

But he couldn’t. His mouth remained shut, as if superglued together. His teeth were gritted so tight his jaw hurt.

Levi sat up in bed. Erwin felt a pang of pain his chest. He could see Levi’s frustration on his face as he got out of the bed and put on his boots. Without saying anything, he left the room.

Erwin let out a growl from deep within him and punched the mattress in frustration. He turned his eyes to his right sleeve, cursing it for all his recent failures, wishing the Titan had taken the whole thing...and himself and he wouldn’t have to deal with this disgust and agony.

His face was burning in anger with himself, when the door to the room opened and Levi came back inside. For a second, Erwin’s heart fluttered in relief because he thought Levi wasn’t mad at him and his failure, but that feeling was quickly replaced by fear and then disappointment when he saw that Levi still wore his mask of concealed anger.

“I remembered I brought a lotion while I was in the city. It’s supposed to help bruises and wounds heal faster,” the Captain said in his neutral almost cold voice.

Erwin felt his heart sink to his stomach. His teeth were once again gritted so hard, he might actually crack them from the strain. He reached out his hand for the tube, but Levi pulled away, shooting him a furious glance.

“I’m doing this.” Levi growled. Erwin blinked at him a few times, until he lay back in bed, body relaxing completely and a long drawn sigh escaped through his nostrils. He turned his bruised side of his face to Levi, while biting his tongue.

The worst part to bear was the way Levi was handling the whole process. While the tension was so thick one could cut it with a knife, Levi’s touch was unbearably tender. Erwin wanted to scream from the frustration he felt. After applying bandages over the areas where the lotion had been rubbed in, Levi washed his hands and without another word or look at Erwin, he went back to bed and blew out the candle. Darkness engulfed the room.

  
  


Later that night, Levi got woken up by a sound that was coming from behind him. He tried to distinguish what it was without turning on the light to see. He felt a chill cut through his legs when he understood that the sound came from Erwin’s abrupt intakes of breath. He was trying to remain silent while crying.

Levi didn’t turn around though. He felt like a villain, but he wanted to let Erwin deal with whatever he was feeling by himself. He probably wouldn’t have wanted him to interfere anyway.

And so, he pretended he was sleeping, although he was a silent witness to the Commander’s anguish. And a searing pain shot through his skull at the same time as if to punish him for his indifference.


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

When Levi woke up, the bed was empty. He looked around the room and then out the window. The sun was barely rising. He wondered if Erwin slept at all the other night... then he felt bad for having reacted the way he did when things didn’t go as he wanted them to. He could blame it on the buildup of frustration and need, but it was probably just his bruised ego that hurt the most. It was true though that that situation never happened to them before. Ever since they started doing it, Erwin had always been ready and they could do it any time...literally anytime and anywhere.

Maybe this was just another thing that they had to change and get used to. There had been quite a lot of these recently and Levi wasn’t sure how much more room to accept new changes he had left.

“ _Get it together,_ ” Levi told himself. “ _Stop being so hung up on this. It’s not like this is what defines what you have with Erwin. This is just a nice bonus...Also, Erwin has been through so much, how greedy could you be...?_ ”

So he would try again.

People were waking up and started filling up the grounds. After spending some time looking for him around the perimeters, Levi decided to make some tea and go to the last place he didn’t check, but which should have probably been the first place to start: Erwin’s office.

He barged in like he normally did and found Erwin in his chair at the desk, turned around to face the window behind it. He didn’t flinch or make any sign to have acknowledged Levi’s presence.

Levi walked to his desk and placed the two mugs on it. He saw that the desk was literally full with scattered papers, all having lists, letters, numbers, charts and drawings on them. There were blotches of ink on the wood of the desk and he saw that the elegant golden pen was lying bent somewhere on the ground. Levi stopped by the side of the chair and looked at Erwin’s profile. The wrinkles around his eyes were more prominent that morning and he saw that the bags under his eyes were turning purple. His hair was slightly messy, like he didn’t bother to stylish it and only ran his hand through it. His shirt was wrinkled as well and his beard started growing.

“Brought you some tea,” Levi said, his voice booming in the coffin-like silence of the room.

“Thank you,” came Erwin’s rough reply.

“Have you been here all night..?” Levi asked and bent down to pick up the broken pen. It sure must have taken quite a lot of force to bend that golden tip like that. Levi glanced at Erwin’s left hand and saw that his fingers were stained with ink.

“I couldn’t sleep.” Erwin said, still not looking at Levi. The Captain pursed his lips, feeling his palms itching with the need to manhandle Erwin back to reality...slap him silly and then proceed to clean him up. He looked like a homeless undergrounder not like the Commander of the freaking Survey Corps.

His sloppiness was irksome, but Levi took a deep breath and pondered on how to approach the situation.

“What kind of tea did you make?” Erwin asked, finally turning around at Levi. His bruises were turning yellow.

“Black.” Levi replied and went to sit on his chair on the side of the desk. This was one of their rituals in the morning or at night: Erwin at his desk, Levi at his side, drinking tea and enjoying each other’s company.

“Don’t you want to go to the mess hall?” Levi asked, trying to sound neutral. “I’m sure you didn’t eat yet. Neither have I...do you want to come?”

Erwin took a few gulps of his tea and seemed to weigh his options...as if this was something he needed to ponder on, Levi thought, but didn’t say anything. Erwin then looked at his dirty fingers and pursed his lips in an embarrassed smile.

“I have to clean myself up first...” he said getting up. Levi got up as well.

“I see your shitty beard started growing again. Let me shave it off,” the Captain said bashfully, but not able to contain his eagerness to clean or to feel useful.

“Okay, Levi...” Erwin said giving in. The fact that Levi didn’t jump him the moment he saw how sloppy he ended up must have meant that the Captain was fighting hard to control himself. So this little banter was for show...he was trying to hold the pieces together so that not _everything_ could fall apart.

He ended up allowing Levi to clean off the ink, iron the shirt, helped him bathe, shaved and combed his hair. He could tell that Levi loved doing this, but the more he needed help, the stupider and more useless he felt. But he allowed Levi this pleasure. At least this, if he couldn’t satisfy him the other night...

“Breakfast is probably done by now,” Erwin said eventually, when Levi was done and was admiring his work.

“If they can’t make an exception for the commander of the Survey Corps, then you need to fire them,” the Captain said and they finally went to the mess hall, which as mostly empty by that time.

Hange and Moblit were still there though. It seemed that Moblit was also having a hard time making Hange slow down. Levi appreciated the distraction through, because with the other two next to them, Erwin seemed at ease and ate everything in his plate.

“How is your shoulder, Hange?” Erwin asked after a while.

“Much better!” Hange replied eagerly and wanted to demonstrate ‘the good health’ by rolling her right shoulder, but winced, thus failing the demonstration.

“Hange! How many times do I have to tell you not to force yourself! Injuries like yours need time to heal. And that means rest too!” an exasperated Moblit interjected. Levi couldn’t help throwing Erwin a ‘see, I told you so' look. The Commander caught his gaze and pushed away his empty plate.

“Sometimes maybe the body tells you that it’s not rest you need...” he said in a distant voice.

“Yes, thank you! I have so much work to do, I can’t just sit there and do nothing. If I try, I go crazy. I feel like my head is buzzing and I just need to do something, at least to distract myself!” Hange said quickly. Erwin returned Levi’s condescending look. The Captain clicked his tongue.

“Besides, my injury is not debilitating...” Hange added in a calmer voice. “I can still do mostly anything, just that it hurts and sometimes it goes numb...”

“ The doctor recommended at least 15 minutes of physical rehabilitation therapy every day,” Moblit said. “But Hange- san is being difficult...”

Hange scoffed and rolled her eyes. “What are you guys up to?” Hange asked, changing the subject.

“Erwin doesn’t want to take it easy.” Levi grunted.

“I have work to do,” Erwin said, trying to sound calm. “There is a surplus of joining applications and I have to go through them first. Then there’s the supplies I need to approve and­—”

“Can’t you delegate?” Hange cut in. “Focus on the plans and whatever? Leave the little stuff to someone else? Moblit can falsify your signature.”

Moblit wanted to oppose, but Erwin started laughing, genuinely sounding amused. Levi snuck a glance at him, enjoying the sight and the sound. It had been a while since he saw Erwin laugh. He used to be able to do that, albeit it being with toilet jokes. He missed that...

“If you promise not to tell, I might just take you up on your offer,” Erwin said and they snickered like children, except for Moblit, whose anxiety was skyrocketing.

  
  


  
  


Levi had been sitting on his side of the desk going through some sheets of numbers —much easier to go through than words— and kept looking up at Erwin’s hand. He decided that instead of nagging him to take it easy, he could stay by his side and help with the workload to the best of his abilities.

They have had their tea, they had their break, but they’ve been at it for a few hours. It was harder to concentrate and he had to go over the same numbers a few times to make sure he didn’t mess up. Also, he saw that Erwin would purse his lips in a very tight line and take more breaks than normal. His frown seemed to have been carved into his permanent features now, as if annoyed he had to interrupt himself every 5 minutes to stretch his fingers.

“I thought the scowl was my thing,” Levi said looking up at Erwin during one of his breaks. Erwin looked at him confused, not understanding at first what Levi was getting at, but a few seconds later he raised his eyebrows high and then closed his eyes tight to relax his facial muscles. He put the pen down and spread his fingers on the desk.

“It’s getting late. Let’s put an end to it here,” Levi said already piling up his finished paperwork.

“I am ambidextrous, you know,” Erwin said in a quiet voice, still looking at his own fingers.

“I can see. Lucky us.” Levi said leaning back in his chair, since Erwin didn’t seem to want to get up yet.

“But I am so much faster with my right. Was. Was faster,” the Commander grunted and looked at his right jacket sleeve. “It’s just harder to write nicely with my left...not as precise...and my fingers cramp up too often...”

“You just need practice.” Levi said looking at the Commander intently, registering his every muscle movement, trying to read the situation better.

“Yeah...” Erwin mumbled. He took up the pen again, but after just two written words he had to put it down again.

“Okay, enough! This is clearly your limit for today, give it a rest.” Levi said getting up and stretching out his arm for Erwin to hand him over the pen. Erwin continued to frown, stretch and curl his fingers. He was about to grab the pen again, but Levi simply snatched it before him.

“Hey! Are you deaf or something?” Levi snapped.

“Levi, knock it off.”

“You knock it off with your stubbornness. You are done for today, do you understand?”

He saw a muscle twitch on Erwin’s jaw and his body seemed ready for a confrontation, but luckily enough, Erwin composed himself and just sighed instead. He got up from the desk and stretched his arm above his head...only to recoil with a grunt, as his ribs were not fully healed yet. He avoided Levi’s eyes because he knew that they would give him “the look” that he came to dread.

Levi continued to glare at his Commander, while organizing the papers in a pile.

“You’re going to bed, yes?” Levi said sternly, not really asking a question, but more like taking the decision for him.

“Yes.” Erwin said defeated, dodging the Captain’s look.

“I’ll be there too, but first I have to do a round with the guards. You better be in bed when I get back. Do you understand? Erwin?”

“Yes, Levi, I am not a child...”

“Then stop acting like one...” Levi mumbled under his breath, loud enough for Erwin to hear though. The Commander gritted his teeth and walked out of the office. Once out, he continued moving and stretching his fingers, dreading the idea that his only remaining hand would also shoot him painful jabs all throughout the night... He was walking to the room he shared with Levi. It was actually his room, but Levi had been coming and going in it so frequently for the past years, that they just dropped any pretense a while ago. No one questioned it. They all knew anyway.

On his way there, he decided that instead of collapsing on the bed right away, he should attempt to clean himself up a little bit. Levi used to say that when you felt down, cleaning yourself up would always make you feel a bit better.

If only everything wouldn’t have been such a chore for him to do with just one arm...

Ah, there it was...his self-pitying, self-loathing side. His new terrible friend that appeared every time he let his guard down.

He took the corner and went in one of the bathrooms on the floor. Luckily, it was empty.

He loosened the collar of his shirt and went to one of the wash basins. It was full to the brim with icy cold water. Erwin used his teeth to unbutton the cuffs of his shirt and pull the sleeve up to his elbow. Then he just dunked his hand in the cold water and gasped, as he didn’t expect it to be so icy. But it was nice...his fingers began to tingle as his overused muscles started going numb.

After a minute, he took his hand out and ran it over his face, enjoying the soothing effect it had on his bruised brow and cheekbone. He scooped some water and rubbed the back of his neck, kneading the tense muscles at the base.

He was going too hard at this and too suddenly...he wished his body didn’t work against him at times...he wished he wasn’t pushing 40 and having to face “old people problems”. His biggest fear was that his body started falling behind, not being able to keep up with the intensity of his mind. At least he still had his wits about him...

Thinking that, the Commander looked in the pool of water in the basin. His reflection was dancing along the small ripples. He looked deathly. Unconsciously, he gripped the edge of the basin and brought his face closer to the surface of the water. He could smell the wet wood of the basin and the cold water seemed to emanate back at him a chill every time he exhaled.

Then, he completely submerged his head in the basin and held his breath.

This was how he felt whenever his mind decided to go to “that place”. His ears were flooded with the muffled sound of the water and his own blood flowing through his skull. He was prepared to see that sunset again, feel the reverberations of the Titan’s stomping feet, the burn in his right arm as he was being carried away from the battlefield, but instead, this time his mind took him back to his apartment in Trost, right after he told Levi to go be with the kids and leave the Government to him.

_He paced his apartment up and down after Levi left, scratching his bandaged stump. He has been itching all night, but tried to compose himself in front of Levi, because if he didn’t look like he had it together, the Captain wouldn’t have ever left. His fingers scratched and scratched at the bandages, but the itch was driving him insane. He couldn’t stand it anymore, so he tried to untie the bandages, but his fingers were not properly trained yet to do that. The more he tried to undo the knot, the angrier he got. Sweat started forming on his forehead and his back. He groaned out loud, frustration boiling him from the inside. He pulled on the knot hoping it would come undone, but that just made it tighter. Erwin screamed in anger and blindly went to the kitchen. He was going to end it there, he didn’t care anymore._

_He looked around the countertop. Nothing. He opened the drawer. It was empty! Where the fuck was his cutlery?! He burst open other cabinets and drawers, but he couldn’t find one fork or knife! All his spoons were still there though..._

_He was breathing heavily as he looked around himself, feeling like a cornered rabid animal. He felt his pulse in his ears as it dawned on him..._

_Levi...that little bastard took all his sharp objects! Erwin rushed to the bathroom and searched for the knife Levi used to shave him, but it was futile...where the fuck did that little fucker hide his stuff? How dare he treat him like a fucking child?!_

_As he was breathing heavily, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror above the sink and was startled to see the barbaric look he was sporting. He backed out of the bathroom and collapsed on the chair from the table. He put his hand over his eyes and panted, trying to regain his composure. His undershirt was sticking to his back with sweat and his whole body was shaking..._

Erwin opened his eyes suddenly and heaved himself out of the water basin. He coughed as he had swallowed some water and he could feel his throat burn as he had accidentally (or not) inhaled some too. He tried to still himself, leaning his forehead on the rim of the basin and trying to swallow up as much air as his lungs wanted.

Was he just about to...?

After a few minutes like that, he straightened his back and ran his hand through his soaked hair. The water was still dripping down his shirt and floor, so he decided it was time to go back.

Once in his room, he took off his wet shirt, threw it on a chair and sat on the edge of the bed. He grimaced as he did that. His ribs were still sore after the beating he received. He snuck a glimpse at his bandaged stump. It didn’t really need to be bandaged anymore, as the stitches had healed, but Erwin wanted it to be covered up. He told Levi it was to prevent any infection or friction against the sensitive stitch work, but actually, he just didn’t want to see it. Nowadays he didn’t knot the bandages at the base, but instead tucked them neatly under one another.

When he was in his apartment back then and was trying to calm himself down from his violent outburst, he focused his glance on one of the cups he and Levi used for tea that afternoon. He then felt ashamed. Ashamed that he felt angry towards Levi for hiding his knives. It was like he knew Erwin was in such a vulnerable state that it might have crossed his mind to slit his own throat. Or maybe he didn’t trust him with sharp objects. Either way, Levi knew him way too well and thus acted proactively, saving him from himself. It brought tears to his eyes thinking that he accused Levi of mal intent towards him.

_Back then, after a few minutes of calming down, his attention went back to the bandages. He wasn’t itchy anymore, but he was curious. Groaning, he moved his right shoulder and placed what was left of his right arm on the table. He studied the knot carefully and then, using his teeth and fingers, began working to have it undone. It took a few long attempts, but he actually managed to undo it. Then, slowly, he began unfolding the bandages, the closer he got to the skin the more pungent the smell of medicinal ointment got. The last layer was stuck to his skin, so he was very careful when peeling it off, but it still stung him._

_And there it was. His stitches were black, his skin a chewed up mess. The nurse told him that the bite had been clean cut, but they needed more skin to close up the wound and thus they hacked a little more and pulled some more and sown everything up 'neatly'. Looking at his arm like that he was absolutely repulsed, but he couldn’t look away. It was still part of him after all._

_So this was it. He carefully examined every millimeter of his wound, trying to get used to it...to embrace it and accept it as part of himself, but although he could get used to the sight of it, it still represented his failure. It was a memento of how hard things would be for him from then on, a memento that Hell did not want him just yet. He wasn’t done with_ _his suffering just yet. The torture wasn’t over for him._

_At the time, he wrapped his stump back up and managed to clear his head, waiting for the next day when he would have to face the Government..._

“Hey.”

Erwin was startled when Levi reappeared in their room, bringing him back to reality. He had failed to get to bed before Levi got back, so he was waiting to be reprimanded.

“Good thing you’re still up. I almost forgot about the lotion for your bruises,” Levi said in a much calmer tone than in the office. He threw Erwin a look, then paused confused of the Commander’s appearance. “What did you do? Fall in a bucket?”

“Something like that,” Erwin said cracking a smile. He took his undershirt off. “Let me do it.”

“No, I want to do it.” Levi said and placed himself in front of the Commander. He began carefully applying the lotion on the bruises on Erwin’s face. “You’re healing nicely...how are the ribs?”

“Still sore, unfortunately,” Erwin whispered, watching Levi in front of him. “I’m getting old, Levi...”

Levi raised his eyebrow at him. “Where did this come from?” he said bemused, as he moved on to the bruises on Erwin’s chest.

“I’ve just...been thinking...I’m taking a long while to heal...I wish I were like Eren...”

“Eren is a monster,” Levi cut in abruptly. “You don’t want to be like him. You’re not old either...you’re just a bit too reckless with your recovery...like Hange. You two are two airheads and I want to beat both of you sometimes.”

“No more beatings, please.” Erwin said and chuckled, then winced. Levi noticed and was extra careful when he rubbed the lotion on his torso.

Although it was very difficult for his pride to allow Levi to just take over with everything that concerned his care, he had to admit that he enjoyed just watching Levi being focused on a task. He made the same face whenever he was cleaning up. This must be giving him some sort of comfort...some sort of feeling that he was still in control over something.

Suddenly, Erwin felt a rush of warmth in his chest and his throat constricting.

“Levi...” he said and took Levi’s hand in his when the Captain was done. “I know I’m not the most outward with my feelings...but I want you to know that...well...thank you...”

Levi pursed his lips in a small smile and arranged Erwin’s hair with his free hand. “I know,” he said. “I just want you to get better.”

“Me too...I want to get better faster...for you and everyone.”

“You can’t rush these things, Erwin. Don’t be stupid. You could do more damage if you do rush. You have to take it easy...”

Erwin sighed, kissed Levi’s palm and wrapped his arm around the Captain’s waist and pressed his face against his torso. Levi rubbed his shoulders and then massaged Erwin’s nape.

When Erwin pulled away to look up at him, the Captain carefully sat on his lap, while wrapping his arms around his shoulders and leaning his head against the nook of Erwin’s neck. Erwin rubbed his knees and they stood in silence for a moment, each trapped in their own thoughts.

“Erwin...” Levi said quietly, still staring at a corner of the room. “I hope you know that you can always tell me anything...you know I will always be on your side and try to help you...I swore you that.”

“I know...”

Silence. Levi had expected Erwin to catch his drift and actually start opening up right then, but the Commander didn’t seem to have any intention of doing that. Levi raised his head so he could look Erwin in the eye.

The Commander sighed. “I don’t really feel like...sharing anything right now. Bu maybe you have something on your mind you’d like to talk about, so I am all ears...”

Levi blinked at him, a little annoyed of how this guy turned the tables on him. He did have a lot to say to Erwin, mostly reproaches and frustrations, but as much as he wanted to open his mouth, the words got stuck in his throat and so, he didn’t say anything either.

Instead he leaned in and pressed his lips against Erwin’s. The Commander responded to his move, but not overly enthusiastically. Levi sighed against him and pulled away.

It all felt stale...

He got up from Erwin’s lap and walked to his side of the bed. He began changing into his sleeping clothes and looked at Erwin only when he was also in bed to his left. They stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, neither of them saying anything. Was this going to become their new routine? Failed attempts of intimacy? Awkward silences when they were supposed to share and confide in each other? Levi was sure that he wasn’t the one who changed in those last few weeks, but he couldn’t be that shitty and reproach Erwin his lack of sex drive.

“We need to meet with Zackley and the rest soon,” Erwin said after a few more minutes. “We need to discuss _that_...”

They both knew what he was referring to. The black case Levi received from Kenny, the one containing an essential element to the plan Erwin was trying to cook up for their next expedition. The ultimate expedition, as Erwin secretly thought of.

Levi hummed a response, not really feeling like talking about that just yet. His mind was still preoccupied by one thing, although he hated himself for it.

“Do you want me to stop...?” he asked after a few more moments of silence. Erwin turned his head to him. Levi looked up still. “Stop trying to make you...touch me?”

Erwin’s heart sunk hearing Levi and he knew then once again how much he failed in his relationship with him. He didn’t know when his libido would come back, if at all, and he didn’t want to see Levi’s disappointed face whenever he didn’t respond to any of his moves anymore.

“For the moment, I think it’s better for the both of us not to...try anything.” Erwin spoke finally. “I’m really sorry.”

“Got it.” Levi said and turned on a side, back turned to Erwin. The Commander blew out the candle. Neither of them slept properly that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone says that they were never frustrated with their loved one, they are lying.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My only disclaimer for this chapter is that I used my own experience with a nagging pain that wouldn't leave me for 2 months to describe Erwin.
> 
> Another note, I am referencing my previous work Feel for You in this chapter, just in case one character comes out of nowhere.

* * *

_You taught me to not have regrets about my past actions, to understand why at the time my decision was right. I always acted like I fully embraced that, but nowadays, I can’t help but kick myself whenever I think of those times. If only I knew that our remaining time together was so limited, I probably wouldn’t have played those silly mind games that benefited no one but my ego. I was so stupid, so entitled to your being there forever that I allowed myself to act like a brat. And that I regret deeply, because now, I yearn for you so much, so deeply, it physically hurts me...I miss you._

  
  


After that last instance, Levi decided that it was probably better to just stop pestering Erwin with his recovery. They had always been so set in their own beliefs that neither budged one bit in their confrontations and it always resulted in heated arguments and followed by icy cold silences. Then they would normally get over it. But this time, Levi thought it was best he distanced himself from Erwin. Secretly though, he was doing that to teach his stubborn Commander a lesson. He surprised himself with his own pettiness, but maybe this time, it would be Erwin who gave in and admitted that he actually needed Levi by his side.

This seemed to backfire on Levi though, as things started picking up again in their lives. The very next day the Survey Corps decided to go to the Capital to discuss with Zackley and Pixis about the titan serum Levi inherited from his uncle. The members of Levi’s squad went to see Historia, while the Commanders debated.

Something Erwin said during the meeting stuck with Levi long after they returned. Whenever he was with other Military members, Erwin was in his Commander mode, as he should and his mask was impenetrable, but Levi managed to steal a different glance from him when Erwin mentioned that Levi would be the one to decide who would get the serum. Instead of commanding him to give it to him when the time came, Erwin said that Levi should take the decision and give it to the right person. Levi didn’t fully understand at the time why Erwin had to be so mysterious...everyone knew that given the opportunity, Levi would give the serum to Erwin.

While riding back to the Head Quarters, Levi even allowed himself to think ahead and imagine that the serum, besides the Titan ability, would also allow Erwin to grow back his arm. If before he mocked Eren for being like a lizard, now he thought that that ability would come in handy so well, since Erwin felt so inadequate with the loss of his arm...maybe that would bring some of that confidence back.

Back at the HQ, things carried on as they did before. Erwin worked, Hange came up with new ideas and technologies and Levi...floated around. Out of stubbornness to teach Erwin a lesson, he stopped working beside him in the office. He would take his part of the paperwork and go elsewhere to do it. Then he would supervise some training rookies, then hang around Hange, trying to understand what she was cooking up and most of the time, he would find some place to clean. And while he was trying to show Erwin that he too could be distant, he would end up thinking only of Erwin during his cleaning sprees. He hated doing this to Erwin, but he wanted the Commander to just...say something. Say that he wanted Levi around and that his presence was not annoying him. He couldn’t understand how things even end up that way. He was a little worried that Erwin probably didn’t want him around anymore. Reaching that point in his pondering, Levi felt discouraged and even a little hurt. And it was at that point that he would notice that he had been scrubbing the floor too feverishly or was washing a piece of clothing so harshly his skin burnt. He was literally working himself to the bone and then felt good when his hands stung at the end of the day. It was a form of comfort and a form of punishment at the same time. At least he was in control of how much pain he could administer to himself.

Erwin did not say anything about Levi’s plan the whole time. They shared the same bed, shared meals and acted civilized around each other when other people were present. But Erwin noticed the cold shoulder Levi was giving him. He also noticed how Levi actively stopped asking him to take breaks or eat or even ask how he was feeling...and he noticed how Levi’s hands ended up bleeding from the harshness with which he was cleaning. If Erwin would end up massaging his right shoulder out of compulsions, Levi would too end up cleaning things and himself compulsively.

He too did not say anything about the other’s behavior. Levi was easier to read and so he understood what he was doing. As horrible as it was, he did enjoy not being asked how he felt or if he was still in pain every time. Yes, he was always in some kind of pain. The only difference was whether he was doing better at ignoring it that day or not. The dull pain in his shoulder was always there, but at times it also lured him into a false sense of security. He would wake up every day thinking that it wasn’t so bad, it might actually go away, only for it to hit him again full force and bring him to despair. Because Levi was never around anymore, he didn’t have whom to complain to but the walls of his office. He had to relearn how to take care of himself. He realized what a bad habit he had developed by getting so engrossed in his work that he would skip meals and forget to take breaks. Only when his head started hurting and his vision was going blurry did he understand that he had to pace himself.

With Levi actively ignoring him, he inadvertently ended up with working late into the night and with great effort trudged back to his room. Strangely, Levi was almost never there either. Erwin thought that Levi went back to his old room and left him alone. In reality, Levi would too work late into the night, more often than not, ending up passed out on a chair or a couch somewhere for a few hours.

So it seemed that being apart just helped Erwin and Levi revert to their bad habits. Unfortunately for Erwin, he also discovered that ever since Levi stopped coming to bed with him, his nightmares were harder to handle. Whenever he startled awake and Levi wasn’t there by his side, he felt so incredibly alone...he hated waking Levi up because of his nightmares, but he had to admit that having someone offer even the slightest of comfort after a bad dream felt so good and it helped calming down.

But he didn’t want to outwardly tell Levi that he needed his help. It was the last shred of dignity he had left and he stupidly clung to it to his own detriment.

  
  


  
  


Not all days were terrible though. Many times they would participate in Hange’s tutorials on how to use new equipment or what they learned observing Eren’s new hardening ability. Levi had to remind Hange to take it easy with the kid, but more often than not, Eren was the one who pushed harder, his thirst for knowledge and...revenge being his driving source.

Not long after, Erwin found something interesting in his stack of papers and waited for Levi to make it to his office to take his paperwork for the day to show him. Levi was still trying to act aloof around the Commander, but he couldn’t stop himself from doing little inconspicuous things for Erwin, like how he would every morning prep Erwin’s desk, arrange his papers, dust and air the place out, add a cushion on his chair, always made sure his shirts were clean and most recently, he would prop notes against the candelabrum on the desk that said things like “Did you eat?” or “Take a 5 minute break if it hurts”. Staying away was starting to be very difficult...

“Levi, wait a second,” Erwin said when Levi took his stash of papers. Levi turned to him, his heart fluttering in his chest, thinking that Erwin finally came round and things would go back to normal. “I got this letter from Historia, I mean, her Majesty the Queen, saying that she is very interested in opening an orphanage up North and that she was wondering if I could spare you some days so you can help her out with the process...”

Levi blinked at the Commander, taken aback by the unexpected subject. “Me?” he asked curtly. “Why me?”

“She thinks your...experience would help and you would be authoritative enough and she needed you on her side.”

Levi shifted his weight from one foot on the other. “So what did you tell her?”

“I was waiting for your answer on this. You are free to do as you wish, you don’t need my permission.” Erwin said and returned to his report. “I think it’s a great idea, unless you can’t find the time for it...”

Levi stared at Erwin a few more moments after he was done talking. He felt the words bubbling in his throat, but he just could open his mouth to let them out.

“Fine. I’ll do it...” he said finally and turned around to leave. Erwin nodded his head and took one new sheet of paper to send the Queen his reply. His hand cramped up as he was writing and so he had to put the pen down and sigh. The day started well enough and he allowed himself to be a little more confident in his concentration ability, but his body was once again dragging him back. He stared at Levi’s scratchy handwriting on the note that said “Take a 5 minute break if it hurts”. He got up from the desk and just then noticed the cup of tea by the sofa. He didn’t even pay attention to Levi well enough to see him bring in the tea. He didn’t like their little game, he knew it benefited no one but he wished Levi would stop feeling bad for not being by his side all the time.

Also he didn’t want to have that conversation with Levi because he knew things would get heated up really fast. As he sipped his tea, he thought about Levi’s reaction to Historia’s request. He felt that Levi thought of him as being dismissive and yet he couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eye when he told him he could go...

It was probably better this way...as painful as it might have been, maybe it was better for Levi to back off....better sooner than later...maybe this approach would make things easier when it all come to an end. He knew it was a shit and cruel way of doing it, but maybe Levi would understand it later on...

  
  


And so, Levi split his time between the HQ and the Capital. Historia’s plan was already very well thought through and she seemed to just want Levi’s opinion on it. Although he seemed against it at first, soon enough, Levi started feeling more at ease bossing the top brass around and looked forward to the whole plan to come to fruition. Also, Historia was very determined to be 100% involved. She took the initiative, argued her ideas properly and was pushy when needed. Levi was pleasantly surprised by their Queen. To think that just a few weeks ago she was still the morose cadet that had to be manhandled into her new role.

He didn’t spend more than three days in the Capital though and he was surprised to notice that the different line of work kept him distracted enough to actually forget the problems he left behind at the base.

But it was time to go back. Historia got her orphanage, the supplies kept coming and the children were being brought in. Levi didn’t want to be a babysitter too...he already had one giant baby waiting at the base for him. For a split second he felt a sense of dread having to go back to the tense atmosphere, but he quickly dismissed that though. What was more, he decided that he was done being passive-aggressive with Erwin. He would cave once again if that meant that they could go back to normal.

When he arrived, it was mid-afternoon. He met Hange first, who was excited to let him know that they managed to design a contraption that might actually kill the Titans without any human casualties. Levi could tell that Hange was beyond exhausted but managed to function on excitement alone. It seemed like Hange was going through an inspirational high what with Eren’s new hardening ability and those luminous rocks they found in Rodd Reiss’s cave. Levi wondered if Moblit had also given up on trying to stop Hange from overworking.

Levi asked if Erwin was on board with all the ideas, to which Hange replied that she hadn’t seen Erwin in a few days, that was how intensely he was going at it with the new plan to retake Wall Maria.

Levi frowned and left Hange behind. He marched to Erwin’s office, ready for a showdown, but just before he barged in, he braced himself. He told himself that he would change his ways, so he took a deep breath and opened the door to the office.

Erwin wasn’t sitting at his desk. He was instead pacing up and down the room, kneading his right shoulder and seemingly muttering something to himself between gritted teeth. He looked at Levi surprised when he came inside, but then his features settled into a scowl.

“You’re back...” the Commander said, his tone tense.

“Yeah, of course I am back...” Levi said, his turn to frown. Erwin began pacing again, his nostrils flaring with his jerky breaths. Levi tried to understand the situation by observing his Commander and understood that he overworked himself again. With a quick glance at the desk, Levi saw that Erwin had been maniacally drawing out plans and schemes on mountains of scattered papers. He also noticed that a tea cup had been shattered against a wall, shards of porcelain spreading all over the floor.

How did they allow things to get his far?

“Erwin, what is wrong?” Levi asked in a low voice, slowly moving closer. Erwin puffed and wanted to chuckle, but his face got contorted into a grimace.

“I’ll let you have a guess at what’s wrong...” the Commander’s snide remark came after he paced some more in front of his desk.

“Is it your arm again...?” Levi asked quietly.

“Yes, Levi, it’s my damn arm again...or more like, lack of it!” Erwin snapped, stopping his pacing and caught the look Levi was throwing him...again...again with that pitying look on his face!

“How does it still hurt you when there’s nothing left of it?” Levi said, sensing too late that he probably shouldn’t have phrased it like that.

“Don’t you get it already?” Erwin snapped once again, glaring directly into Levi’s eyes. He had never seen his Commander this angry...especially this angry with him! “It always hurt! And it will continue to hurt...and it’s driving me insane! I am tired of it always being the cause of my distraction...I am tired!”

He looked at the ceiling, trying to restrain himself from saying more, but it seemed like all of the frustration wanted out then and there...and Levi was the perfect one to receive it all.

“Then do something about it,” Levi said trying to play off of Erwin’s anger with calmness...it took a lot of restrain though.

“What else do you want me to do about it?! Stop acting like you have all the magical solutions to everything...” Erwin burst and then mumbled. “Like you’d even understand...”

Levi’s look grew darker. He understood that Erwin wanted to pick a fight with him to release that anger. The problem was that Levi didn’t take kindly to snide remarks addressed to him.

“So then what, you’re just gonna march around like a madman? Have you taken care of yourself at all these days while I was away? Huh? I leave and you go berserk in here...alone? What are you even trying to accomplish with th—”

He didn’t anticipate the sudden turn of events. Erwin had his back turned at him while Levi spoke, but unexpectedly turned around and lunged at the Captain, grabbing a hold of his jaw, his fingers pressing hard against Levi’s teeth, while the Captain could only stare up at him, shocked that Erwin would ever dare to lay his hand on him like that.

He stared into those furious blue eyes.

“Why can’t you understand for once in your life that you are not my savior...I am not your child and you cannot continue to treat me like I am some poor cause that needs your pity!”

Erwin’s grip was like a vice on his jaw, but Levi was never one to be afraid of titans. He gritted his teeth and pushed Erwin off him with all his force. Erwin staggered backwards until his lower back hit his desk. He grimaced in pain and panted as reason started returning to him...along with the realization of what he just did. His gaze traveled from the floor up to Levi’s steely dark glare. He could also distinguish some red blotches on his face where Erwin had grabbed him.

“How dare you...HAVE YOU LOST YOUR GODDAMED MIND, you piece of shit?! You send me away and lead me to believe that you are HANDLING this and I get back to what? You are a fucking mess, that’s what you are! You're pathetic, but what I will not stand for, is you ALLOWING YOURSELF to stay this way- I HEARD ENOUGH FROM YOU!” Levi exploded when Erwin opened his mouth to say something. “I’ve left you to your own devices for too long. I thought that you knew best how to treat your own body and mind, but I was wrong. This is it, mister. You are going to listen to me now. We are going to do things my way from now on since your way is shit, Commander Erwin Smith.”

Levi also had never felt this angry with Erwin before, nor did he ever allow himself to speak like that to his superior. But this had nothing to do with their ranks. Levi was not talking to Erwin as to a Commander. This was now a personal matter.

Levi turned around to the door, ready to leave.

“Levi, I...” Erwin whispered, any shred of anger or dignity leaving him.

“You are going to sit your ass down here and wait for my return, if you don’t want me to break your fucking face this time around.” Levi cut in.

“Where are you going?” Erwin asked.

“To get you a doctor, since you’re too proud or too stupid or both to have done that yourself earlier.”

With that, Levi slammed the door to the office so hard, he heard the plastering come off its edges. He stormed out on the hallway. A poor soldier quickly turned to a corner and made himself unnoticeable as Levi rushed past him. He didn’t want the Captain to skin him alive for any reason ( like he just did with the Commander).

Back in the office, Erwin slid on the floor and just stared at the place where Levi had been a moment ago. He had done something bad. Something so bad, it dawned on him that it might be irreparable.

How did he lose control like that?

  
  


  
  


Levi borrowed a horse and rode as fast as he could to the nearest village North of Trost. He had a bitch of a migraine as the events from earlier unfolded before his eyes on repeat. Despite the unexpected violent outburst, Levi couldn’t fully blame Erwin. Despite his shitty attitude, he understood that Erwin’s behavior came from a place of frustration. He just didn’t expect things to have gotten so ugly.

And he remembered how he pleaded for Erwin to tell him if things were going bad. He reached out to him time and time again only for Erwin to shut him out and even despise him for wanting to help him. Levi understood that it was his pride that didn’t allow him to show weakness, especially when so many other lives have been sacrificed for them to be there in that moment, but he felt hurt thinking that Erwin assumed he wouldn’t get it...

He stormed into the village demanding to get a hold of the doctor there, as a matter of emergency. The doctor was busy with a delivery at the time, but not wanting to go to another village, Levi decided to wait on him. And while he waited for the doctor, he went to the improvised postal office to write an urgent letter.

  
  


The village doctor was surprisingly young, but seemed eager enough and honored to come and consult the Commander of the Survey Corps. Levi thought of searching for someone else, maybe someone with more credentials, but he decided in the end to give the young one a chance. He could go look for someone else after the initial consult.

Some recruits were whispering among themselves when Levi returned with the doctor. He couldn’t really blame them for gossiping, probably the entire floor and the one below it heard him shout at the Commander. But he wasn’t ashamed for that. As a matter of fact, he didn’t feel anything in those moments. He let out his anger and frustration, he was so beyond tired that he was numb. The only thing he did feel was that headache that didn’t seem to want to go away.

He had to admit that he was a little surprised to see that Erwin did actually stay put in his office, like he was told to do. He looked nervous to anyone who knew him, but to the young doctor, he looked like the regular Commander everyone knew.

Levi refused out right to leave the room for the consult. He crossed his arms to his chest and stood in the corner, observing. He knew that he might intimidate Erwin from being completely honest, but he had enough being a push over.

The doctor was put up to speed with the situation: the amputation, the recovery, the phantom pain. The doctor examined the wound, confirmed what everyone was saying that it healed nicely, no signs of infection. He did however noted how tense the shoulder muscles were. Levi felt the need to interfere and tell the doctor that they had to basically skip the rehabilitation process due to the nature of their jobs and the situation at the time...and then there was Erwin’s imprisonment.

“Well, physically, I don’t see anything wrong. Also the rest of the wounds are healing really fine, so if it was “misplaced” pain—like how when your upper teeth hurt, but you feel the pain in the bottom teeth too?— that should go away too...” the doctor said.

“So, do you think his...mind is making it up?” Levi said. He and Erwin shared a look.

“Umm...well, it could be possible,” the doctor said while massaging the stump with the tips of his fingers. “I have had patients that were overly-focused on a past wound and they thought that they still had pain, so I could say that there’s a hyper fixation on the aspect of pain...distraction or relaxation used to do the trick, special oils, tea....but actually—" here the doctor grinned and went to his medical bag and took out some vials — “there is one thing that was discovered quite recently and works really well.”

“Really? And what is that?”Levi asked frowning at the vials with liquid.

“They call it morphine. It acts really fast, it’s really effective too,” the doctor said with a gleam in his eye and was already preparing a syringe.

“So, drugs...again,” Levi growled.

“Is this going to put me out?” Erwin asked looking at the syringe. “Because I have a lot of work to do...”

“It depends on the dosage. I’m going to give you a very small dose right now, so it will only ease up any strain or pain you might actually have...”

“Wait, wait!” Levi interjected. “How come this morphine thing was never mentioned before? Surely the doctors in Trost would know about this and use it if it were this good and safe for you as you say...”

“I don’t know about the doctors in Trost, but this medicine was brought from the doctors in Wall Sheena, who apparently had this formula for a long time. For some reason, it’s not very popular although it would be widely available, since it’s made from poppy seeds...like the other opioids people use commonly. I find that the formula works much better."

Levi pursed his lips, not convinced. He remembered how drowsy and lethargic Erwin had been after the nurses at the recovery house sedated him.

Erwin examined Levi’s tired face and then looked back at the syringe the doctor was still holding, unsure if he should proceed or not.

“Medical innovations have always required test subjects...” Erwin spoke. “And if this works like you say it does, then I guess we can give it a shot. No pun intended.”

“That’s the spirit, Commander!” the doctor said enthusiastically and injected the morphine into Erwin’s left arm.

“If anything goes wrong because of this,” Levi spoke “I know where you live...I will find you...and I will destroy you.”

The doctor looked at the Captain perplexed.

“Don’t threaten the doctor, Levi...” Erwin said like he was talking to a kid.

“He needs to know that we’re not some chums he could fool,” Levi growled not breaking eye contact with the doctor, who started sweating nervously.

“I-I wouldn’t do that, I promise. I-I used morphine before...people love it! It’s all in the d-dosage. I-I believe in the cause of the Survey Corps, sirs! I swear!”

He did the salute and tried to keep his composure.

“That’s enough. Thank you for stopping by and for your time.” Erwin said and got up from the chair, wanting to lead the doctor out, when his vision got dark and he lost his balance for a moment. He sat back down.

“You should try to relax for 15 minutes, Commander,” the doctor said pointing at the couch. “Captain, do you want me to leave you some shots of morphine, just in case?”

While Erwin went to lie down on the couch, Levi examined the vials the doctor offered to leave behind. He listened to the doctor explain dosages and warned against overuse and possible side effects.

Levi offered to see the doctor out and just as he was about to leave, he turned to Erwin and said: “Make sure you come down and eat soon.”

And with that he exited the office and closed the door behind him.

  
  


Not long after the doctor left, an envoy brought a letter addressed to Levi Ackerman. The Captain took the letter in his old room and began reading:

“ _To Captain Levi- Survey Corps,_

_I am truly honored that you reached out to me for advice. While I am still a young nurse in training, I shall advise you to the best of my ability, especially since I am more familiar with the case and I grew to know Commander Smith a little bit while he was recovering._

_Please do not feel ashamed for reaching out to someone. I do understand that it must not have been easy for you to admit to needing help, but it is the best thing to do, instead of potentially doing more harm through not acting accordingly. I am also saddened to hear of the amount of mental strain Commander Smith has gone through. I admit that I followed the events of the Survey Corps coup with great fear in my heart, but was so happy to know that both yourself and the Commander have made it out victoriously- and alive._

_Forgive me, I digress. You told me about the Commander’s erratic behavior. Unfortunately, everything you said matches the description of what the doctors call ‘traumatic depression’. I think you remember me telling you a while ago that mind and body are both part of a scale and if one side tips more than the other, unbalance ensues._

_I am afraid the issue will not go away by itself. Avoiding talking about what made an event traumatic for one would only advance the condition. Since I am not there, nor this being my field of practice, nor does the Commander seem willing to come down to Trost for a ‘mental’ consult, I will entrust you, Captain Levi with some notions that I know can work. I truly hope you can find a way to make the Commander cooperate in this process. I know the two of you are close, so the first and most important part is talking, expressing what causes anxiety. Please inform the Commander that you are offering him a safe place to vent. Please do not show anger or frustration with his attempts, as he might recoil and feel like a burden or a failure in your eyes. Assure him that you are there to listen. I know from experience that men hate to admit that they need help, so avoid using that word if possible. I know the Commander is a strong willed and stubborn man, but I also know he trusts you, so tell him that he can trust you with your discretion and intent to get him to get better. Please do not pressure him to ‘get better’ or say that ‘people are counting on him to get it together’. I am sure he already knows this and this is a source of anxiety._

_If it is poor self-image that causes him distress, please do not dismiss this as childish or unimportant. Ask him what his fears are, where they stem from and try to offer assurance that it is normal to feel that way. It is one’s body that has suffered trauma, the body will not be as it was before, the only thing one can do is work towards acceptance. I was reading an article about mirror therapy, so I will include that in this envelope, if you are willing to try this._

_Unfortunately, this is a lengthy process and it depends on how willing the Commander is to work with you. I am sorry to say, Captain Levi, that this recovery process will be strenuous on you too, should you choose to accept this role._

_One last thing I must mention is that the Commander needs some physical rehabilitation. I will include some notes on what exercises are best for his kind of injury._

_I hope that with this rushed letter I have offered you some helpful advice and that your endeavors will be successful. Rest assured, I will not disclose your message to anyone. I am also more than willing to further correspond with you should you find it helpful._

_With respect,_

_Jaqueline Tannenbaum.”_

  
  


It took Levi several hours to go through the lengthy letter and articles the nurse has sent him. By the time he was done, he noted that it was already dark outside and he probably missed dinner. It had been an incredibly long and eventful day. His body was sending him signals that it needed a break. He went to get something to eat from the kitchen then he went to wash.

  
  


  
  


Erwin didn’t get much work done that day. It started bad, got worse and then things just got...fuzzy. That morphine shot took away any pain or idea of pain he ever had and for the first time in a few weeks, he managed to get a good nap. When he woke up, he felt a bit drowsy, but his mind was still a little hazy. He didn’t feel bad...on the contrary, he felt relaxed. So relaxed and okay that he decided to abandon that day of work to go eat something. The recruits were surprised to see him there with them and Hange took the opportunity to put Erwin up to speed with what she and the research team have been up to those past days. As Hange was talking, it dawned on him that his behavior towards Levi had been horrendous. He didn’t see him in the mess hall either. He asked Hange if she knew where he was and Hange replied that she hadn’t seen Levi since he came out with the doctor, a few hours ago. Hange pressed to know what that was all about and Erwin felt compelled to admit that he had been neglecting his body those past days and that took a toll on him...and that did not sit well with Levi...and they might have had a more heated argument.

“Yeah, no kidding,” Hange scoffed. “I heard him shout from outside.”

Erwin pursed his lips, feeling a little embarrassed that everyone had to hear that.

“Are you going to be okay though...Erwin?” Hange asked in a more serious tone, looking Erwin in the eye. “I know you think you have to be ‘Mister Commander’ with everyone, but you can always tell me or Levi anything, remember? Besides....we’re kinda the only ones left...”

“I know, Hange. Thank you. I appreciate you both very much.” Erwin said softly. “I haven’t been myself these past weeks, but I think I might be getting back on track...”

“That’s great to hear, man,” Hange said and smiled.

After eating and chitchatting with Hange, Erwin got up and went to wash. He was feeling incredibly sleepy again and he knew it had to be from the drug. He was glad to notice that there was a nice tingling sensation in his extremities and his mind was too droopy to overanalyze if he had any pain anywhere.

He got into bed in his room, but lay awake for a bit more, staring at the ceiling, thinking about what a shitty day that had been. He had never had such an outburst before with anyone. He didn’t even notice when he lost control, he was so angry with the whole situation, so fed up with his own misery. Levi wasn’t even provoking him...he just happened to be there. He finally felt his stomach churning with the realization that he might have pushed Levi away for good. He deserved whatever was coming to him...but god, did he just want none of it anymore...

Just as he was thinking that, the door to the room opened and Levi walked in. They shared a glance and then Levi went to the dresser and began changing his clothes.

“Levi...you’re here,” Erwin said surprised. “But I was...how come you came back here...?”

“Because I love you, you piece of shit, that’s why!” Levi barked, turning around to look at the perplexed Commander. Erwin shut his mouth and just stared at him.

Levi put on a shirt and got in bed to Erwin’s right side as always, but turned his back to him. Erwin blinked several times, unable to breathe properly. He braced himself and turned on his right side too and put his arm around Levi, pushing his weight on him, even if Levi tried to push him away.

“Levi, please forgive—”

“No!” Levi grunted and tried to push Erwin’s arm away, but Erwin held on tight. “You treat me like dirt!”

“I’m sorry...”

“Stop saying you’re sorry all the time! Why do you do this? Why are you like this...?” Levi said, staring angrily at the window as Erwin held on to him tight, his hot breath in his ear. Levi stopped struggling to free himself and remembered the nurse’s letter. “I ...I am tired of you treating me like I’m a villain.”

“I know...”

“I’m on your side, Erwin! I...know this is hard on you and you don’t want to show weakness, but...”

It was difficult to mince his words and there was so much he wanted to say. They remained silent for a few moments instead, both breathing heavily from their struggle.

“You are right,” Erwin spoke in a quiet voice. “I am the biggest piece of shit...I’ve been nothing but shitty to you when you only wanted to help me...and then I hurt you—”

“It’s not that, I’m not mad because you grabbed me...you didn’t hurt me with that...you are shutting me out and that is what I don’t want...”

“I am afraid to let myself open, Levi. I keep failing at being the person that people want to follow...I am afraid that this event changed me so much, I am not the same person I was a few weeks ago...and I am aware of that and I want to go back to being that person for you...but I keep failing...”

Levi listened to Erwin’s voice in silence. He was upset with what he was hearing, but he enjoyed feeling Erwin’s weight on him, feeling him breathe against him, almost like before.

“Erwin, I want you to understand this,” Levi spoke eventually. “You can talk to me about anything...I mean it. You have to trust me...even if I may not be able to help with much, I will follow you forever. I will be on your side forever. No matter what.”

“Thank you, Levi. I know you will,” Erwin whispered and kissed his temple. “Please forgive me for lashing out at you...”

“I’m going to be okay,” Levi said and took Erwin’s hand into his. After a few more moments spent in silence he said, “How is that morphine thing working for you?”

“Something is definitely working, but I feel very sleepy right now...”

“Then sleep...” Levi said softly. “But you can still hold me like this.”

Erwin sketched a smile and closed his eyes, holding Levi close to his body throughout the night.

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things...happen *wink wink*
> 
> Some eruri smooches [ here](https://twitter.com/Mihaella_Ella25/status/1348716767317782534?s=19)

* * *

Something did change in their dynamic after that night. Amazing what talking some things through could do to a relationship, even for two stubborn old men like Levi and Erwin.

Levi was once again determined to assist Erwin with his recovery and this time he would not back down as easily. He had seen how Erwin would lose sight of his own needs when left to his own devices and therefore he accepted his new role of ‘caretaker.’

After reading through the medical articles the nurse had sent him, Levi began applying them to the new routine he had established with Erwin. He would massage Erwin’s shoulder muscles and the remainder of his right arm—much to Erwin’s dismay— and helped the Commander stretch those muscles, to bring some life into them. The young doctor did mention that Erwin’s muscles were tight and the only solution to avoid atrophy and further aches was to reawaken those nerves.

Erwin had been cooperative enough, as he didn’t want to repeat the situation from a few weeks ago, but there were good days and bad days. Sometimes he did not feel enthusiastic about the process, deeming it a waste of time as the results were slow to show. Other times he followed Levi’s instructions without a word, enjoying the hopeful look Levi would give him every now and then.

But still, he felt like a fraud...

His plan to retake Wall Maria was flourishing. If before, he wanted to be left all by himself to think of all the possible scenarios, this time he allowed Levi by his side to do his work and to remind him to take some breaks. He played along, but behind his Commander mask, he didn’t feel any better. His sense of hopelessness and the feeling of being a burden on others—especially on Levi— still hung over his head like a dark cloud.

He couldn’t fool Levi anymore either and the Captain would demand he told him what thoughts plagued his mind. Levi admitted not being the best at consoling people, but he listened and he didn’t make any nasty remarks. But Erwin still found it hard to open up all the way.

Sometimes, Erwin would catch himself staring at Levi, as he worked with him through the physical rehabilitation and could not help but marvel at what an amazing human being he was to him. Levi was so much stronger than him...his ability to adapt to any situation was beyond anyone he had ever met and his diligence was superb.

“What is it?” Levi would ask when he caught him staring. Erwin would shake his head and offer a small smile.

“I was just admiring you...” he would say, earning a scornful look from Levi, but also an almost indistinguishable smile.

Not all days were good though. The dull pain would sneak up on Erwin, probably invited by his own weakened state of mind. It was tiring to be strong and hopeful all the time, even with Levi’s support. At times like those, they would resort to the morphine left by the young doctor. Levi hated having to use it. Erwin didn’t like it either. It disrupted their plans, because Erwin would become drowsy after a short period and he was basically useless.

One time, after a particularly bad day, Levi held Erwin’s head on his lap, as they were lying on the couch in the office, waiting for the shot to take effect. He was running his hand through Erwin’s blond locks, while the Commander stared ahead, waiting for his mind to relax.

“I can’t keep doing this, Levi...” he said in a small voice. Levi felt like someone poured cold water on the back of his neck.

“Yes, you can, Erwin!” the Captain said, trying to sound even. They had been through this before, Erwin would complain and want to give up, and Levi would pull him back up and bring some sense into him. The thing that disturbed him this time however, was the tone in which Erwin said those words. He sounded like he had given up completely.

“What kind of life if this, Levi?” Erwin mumbled, his voice trailing off as the drug was taking effect. “I constantly need someone’s help and I can’t get over this imaginary pain...I am stuck...”

“You are not bothering anyone, Erwin,” Levi said reassuringly, as he had said so before, again and again, hoping that Erwin would find those words true too. “You’re just being too hard on yourself...”

“The plan is almost ready, you know...” Erwin said, seemingly to change the subject.

“That’s good. The mission is approaching then...”

“My ultimate plan...”

“Your ultimate plan...”

“We’re going all out, Levi. If this won’t work, nothing else will and I will never find out the truth...”

Levi paused stroking Erwin’s hair. He had heard him talk like that before and the way he spoke about this mission sounded so...final. He thought that this was so that everyone would feel the importance of the mission, its impact, but Levi couldn’t help but wonder if Erwin had something else in mind besides all the heroic bullshit he was spewing for the troops. Not few were the times when he would ask Erwin what he would do if the plan succeeded and Erwin would just give him a half smile and say he did not plan that much ahead or that he simply didn’t know. It was odd for Erwin to ever say that he didn’t know what to do next. Levi hoped that it was because this current plan was so massive and consuming and not because Erwin would retire after or something like that. What would he, Levi, even do if Erwin just called it quits on being Commander?

Levi shook his head to regain control over his thoughts. Nothing good ever came of him worrying about things he didn’t have any control over. Even if Erwin decided to take it easier after the mission, the man deserved it. Levi bent forward and planted a kiss on Erwin’s temple. He caught a glimpse of the purple skin under the Commander's eyes and the wrinkles that formed on his forehead. Levi felt his stomach contract with a sense of dread.

Because no matter what he did or what he said, Erwin was slipping into a dark place, where he didn’t let anyone reach him anymore. It was happening right before his eyes and not matter the struggle, he just could not help Erwin out of it. It pained him so much to see Erwin’s aura fade like that, his ambition staggering, his body weakening while he did nothing. Levi would give anything to lift this burden off his shoulders, free him of whatever it was that kept gnawing at his insides. But no matter how much he wanted to bargain with Fate, truth was, Levi was being shut out, helpless.

Because he was lingering, Erwin turned his head towards him.

“What?” he asked in a husky voice.

“Nothing...” Levi said and bent forward to press his lips against Erwin’s. Their sex life had also been non-existent those past months, but Levi came to terms with it. He couldn’t blame Erwin for not feeling it...he was under so much stress from everywhere and his depression sucked the life out of him. Erwin did not pull away from his frugal kisses and caresses though. So at least they still had that kind of intimacy between them.

“Don’t worry for me, Levi...” Erwin said when he turned on his side again.

“You know I can’t do that...”

“Maybe you should learn how to...it will be so much easier...”

When? When would it be easier? And for whom? Levi hated it when he spoke like that. Like he was some demented old fart that he had to get rid of and continue to live his life.

He watched over Erwin for the next few minutes until the Commander fell asleep. Then, he almost bit through his bottom lip to stop himself from crying out loud from the frustration and stress that overwhelmed their lives for the past months. He felt so stupid for his behavior and while he knew he had to count his blessings, it was very difficult to focus on the good when the bad was pressing so hard on the back of their necks.

And he had to stay strong for Erwin. Because if he gave in to pressure too, then they all would be doomed.

Just when things seemed to settle down in a nice routine, Eren had a revelation about Keith Shadis, their former instructor. Hange, always willing to listen to any bit of information Eren might find out or think he found out, demanded they go pay the former commander a visit.

And they had been right to do so. Keith Shadis dropped one piece of news that changed the way they thought of the world around them...or for some, it confirmed what they had been speculating for years.

There were people beyond the Walls. And they may or may not be on their side.

Sharing this bit of information with Erwin had spectacular results. One could almost see his mind integrate this piece of information into his grand plan. He seemed to perk up with a twinkle in his eyes. Levi assisted him redo some diagrams of the plan in a frenzy. He almost seemed happy to whoever didn’t know Erwin’s true motivations.

Levi watched him work day in and day out, reminding him of his breaks, trying to distract him from time to time just to allow his mind to relax, but Erwin seemed to have turned into a ball of energy, difficult to control. Only at night he would almost collapse from exhaustion, but still managed to offer Levi a small smile.

“Do you understand what this means, Levi?” he asked one night.

“Yes...” Levi replied with caution. He knew about his dad’s theory, that the humans were forced behind the Walls, not by Titans, but by something else. He also knew that trying to demonstrate that daring thought was his life’s goal. What Shadis said, that Eren’s father came from beyond the Walls, seemed to reignite that obsessive thought in him. While Levi was glad to see Erwin ‘come back to life’, he wasn’t particularly glad to see that Erwin was neglecting himself again.

“So then...if you demonstrate this...with whatever you think is in the basement...then what?” Levi asked, trying to distinguish Erwin’s features in the light cast by the candle beside their bed.

“We’ll have to think of that once it’s all over,” Erwin said evasively.

“You know that does not sound like something you’d say...” Levi growled. Erwin ran his hand over his face and sighed.

“There is no use in thinking that far ahead...especially now.”

Levi wanted to interject something to that, but Erwin turned on his side and blew out the candle, announcing that he was tired and they could continue the conversation in the morning.

Levi clicked his tongue and shoved Erwin with his foot, almost kicking him out of bed. But Erwin didn’t seem bothered.

The remainder of the Survey Corps veterans had been summoned in Erwin’s office two days before the mission’s outset. They discussed Shadis’ story about Eren’s father and its implications. They were given the plans drafted by Erwin for each team and pointers on what to instruct the cadets.

The veterans were in high spirits, even if there were some inconsistencies in the retelling of Grisha Jaeger’s story. Erwin once again dodged gracefully explaining any of his personal motives for wanting to get to the basement and people were content with just that.

Levi had studied Erwin all throughout the meeting, not commenting on anything, just watching Erwin put on the mask, inspiring people with his damn speeches, even smiling charmingly at them. He brought his A game to the table and they ate that shit up. Levi wished for a moment that he were just like them: ignorant, trusting and not so involved. Life would have been so much easier like that.

As the meeting was drawing to an end, Levi realized something that for some reason, he had overlooked all those weeks and no one seemed to have questioned it either. When the veterans were up and ready to leave, Levi stood behind. Erwin noticed that Levi wasn’t hurrying to leave, so he braced himself. He had a feeling he knew what the Captain wanted to say when people got out.

Levi closed the door behind him and leaned back, hands in his pockets. He was trying to look casual, but Erwin could feel the tension in the air.

“What is it, Levi?” he asked, also trying to sound casual.

And the storm came.

“Is your being there to see what’s in the basement more important than your legs?”

“Yes.”

“More important than humanity’s victory...?”

“Yes.”

His words felt like a hammer hitting him on the top of his head. He hadn’t hesitated when he answered that. He had this planned all along and like a fool, Levi hadn’t even thought about it.

Although the sunset was shining brightly behind Erwin, his aura seemed to darken in those moments.

“Fine...” Levi said in a flat voice. He turned around to leave, opened the door and threw Erwin a glance over his shoulder. “I trust your judgment, Erwin...”

He slammed the door and Erwin closed his eyes and sighed.

Levi wasn’t sure what happened for the next few hours after that. There was only a strange buzzing noise in his ears and his mind seemed to have shut down on him. He knew that people around him were getting ready for that night’s farewell feast, but he could not register any details.

And he had a terrible headache on top of all that... He tried to analyze himself and understand why he was feeling that way. Of course Erwin wouldn’t have just stayed behind...but his blunt answer, that he cared more for the end goal than whether humanity survived or not shocked him at that time. He wasn’t sure if his perception of Erwin had changed afterwards and that scared him a little.

That was when the buzzing finally stopped. He caught himself just in time. He could finally think clearly.

No, he did not think of Erwin differently, all things considered. Thinking about it further, he shouldn’t have been so shocked of Erwin’s answer, when he himself at times felt like he could just let humanity burn for all he cared. Also, if the roles were reversed, he was sure it would have been impossible for Erwin to stop him from achieving his goal too.

No, they needed Erwin in the battlefield, as gut-wrenching as that thought was. Erwin was a brilliant man, he would not put himself in danger just for the sake of it. He would not actively try to endanger anyone for his own sake either. Of course he had thought of everything beforehand...

 _‘You saw him think up everything, stop it!’_ Levi thought.

He sighed, surprised to realize it was in relief. Of course, he would trust Erwin. Always. With everything and anything. He felt a little ashamed that he thought of Erwin like that, even for a brief moment. The tables had turned once again and Erwin was back in control. The only thing that surprised him was just how fast it happened. Erwin had been down in the slumps for months, it had been so hard on the both of them to get him out of his dark place and then suddenly, he seemed to just wake up from his depressed slumber. Levi wondered if Erwin still felt any pain in his limbs, because now he never complained anymore, nor did they continue with the physical rehabilitation. Maybe he just managed to focus properly this time... He would ask, but since they were so close to the mission, it was probably better to leave it for another time.

And with that bit of clarity of mind, Levi went to change into some casual clothes for the feast.

Those brats would be the end of him one day, he was sure, Levi thought as he staggered back to the base. He wasn’t really drunk, just a little tipsy, because he didn’t get to eat as much as he drank. He didn’t see Erwin at the feast, so any bite of food he tried to take felt like it would get lodged in his throat. And just when he went out to get some air, the brats started acting really rowdy. He administered Eren and Jean a piece of his mind, with a bit too much force than needed, but he couldn’t help feeling the need to set some of his frustrations free too. Plus, they deserved it.

After that, he happened to eavesdrop on Eren and his friends’ conversation. He would have left if what that Armin kid said didn’t spark something in him. A feeling he had long forgotten those past few months...the reason the Survey Corps existed, always to look forward. This was probably all he wanted Erwin to say all those times he had asked him about what came after the basement. At least the kid had his heart in the right place.

As he got back to the base, Levi felt a little....funky. Yes, he was tipsy, but he also felt somewhat at ease with everything. Usually, before missions he would always be gloomy and focused. That time he felt strangely _good_.

He left the stein of ale somewhere, so unlike him, and almost floated to his shared room with Erwin. The base was so quiet what with all the people still at the banquet.

All but one man.

Levi opened the door and walked inside. Erwin was indeed in the room, standing in front of the window, hand behind his back holding the empty right sleeve of his shirt and was looking outside. He turned around slightly when he heard the door.

“I had a feeling you’d be here,” Levi said. “I missed you at the feast.”

“I had a plate before people started gathering. I didn’t want to make people uncomfortable with me being there,” Erwin said and his hand involuntarily moved to his right shoulder.

“Aha,” Levi said and went next to him. He looked outside the window like Erwin, but there was nothing to see. Outside was just pitch black. Levi felt his stomach twist with dread, thinking that Erwin has been in the ' dark place' again all this time, but he took a deep breath to distract himself from these thoughts.

“I’m sure no one would’ve minded you being there,” Levi said.

“I wanted to rearrange my thoughts,” Erwin said quietly.

“Yeah, sure...”

“Levi, please.” Erwin said rubbing his forehead. “I really don’t feel like fighting with you right now. Can you just let things go for tonight?”

“Okay,” Levi said stepping in front of Erwin. “I don’t want to fight either.” He got on the tips of his toes to reach for Erwin’s mouth. “I told you I trust your decision.”

Erwin bent his neck forward and allowed Levi this kiss. He could still taste the ale on his lips. Levi draped one arm around Erwin’s neck to keep him bent at his level, while the other hand roamed down his bicep and then moved to his chest. He rubbed his pec, moved up to his jaw and then slid all the way down. He craved Erwin’s body so much, he wanted to touch as much as he could as fast as he could. Involuntarily, his hand also roamed over the Commander’s crotch and couldn’t help breaking off the kiss to look up at Erwin amazed.

“Well, hello there! It’s been a while,” Levi said not holding back the smile that appeared on his face. His fingers continued to brush against the bulge in Erwin’s pants. His heart rate accelerated and he hated himself for wanting this to happen so badly! Man, did he want this!

“Maybe if we move fast, it won’t go away...” Erwin whispered and they both chuckled like teenagers, as they launched into another hungry attack on each other’s mouths. Levi sighed against Erwin’s lips. He could cry, that was how much he enjoyed the warmth Erwin’s touch spread all through his body. The Commander pulled him closer and slid his hand under Levi’s shirt, caressing his toned back muscles.

Levi just slightly pulled away, head spinning and began unbuttoning Erwin’s shirt. He pushed it over his shoulders and let it fall on the ground. Not sparing one second for afterthoughts, the Captain pulled Erwin’s undershirt out of his pants and unbuckled his belt. Erwin grabbed the collar of his undershirt at the back and swiftly pulled it over his head. Levi swallowed with difficulty and held the Commander’s waist as he began peppering kisses on his collarbone. Erwin recoiled when Levi’s mouth moved to his right shoulder.

“Erwin...” Levi said and put his hands on Erwin’s face to make him look at him and nowhere else. “It’s okay, really. I don’t mind it. It’s still you...” He pulled him down to kiss him tenderly. “Just focus on me...”

Levi pulled away and took Erwin’s hand and guided him to the bed. He sat down in front of Erwin and unbuttoned his pants. He bent forward and began kissing the Commander’s abdomen, his mouth inching closer to the waistband of his underwear. That was something Levi normally didn’t do, as he had his rules about what he should and should not put in his mouth. Erwin respected that and never asked him for anything more, but that night, Levi thought he could just throw caution to the wind and just go with the flow. But Erwin put his hand on Levi’s chin and pulled him up in a standing position.

“Don’t worry about that, Levi.” he said in a husky voice that Levi could feel resonate in his lower body. “How should we do this...?”

“Lay down.” Levi said and spun around to switch positions. Erwin took his pants off and lay back on the bed. Levi pulled his shirt over his head and before he moved to his own pants, he went to rummage through a drawer. He took out a little tube and threw it on the bed close to Erwin. He then swiftly took off his pants and underwear. He got on the bed and swung one leg over Erwin, straddling him.

Erwin reached out for him and pulled him up for a sloppy kiss. He massaged his nape as Levi began grinding against his still clothed erection, the noises they made echoing in the room and sending shivers all through his body.

He groaned when Levi pulled away from his mouth and began tracing kisses down his throat...chest...stomach...The Captain pulled his underwear off, releasing his erection from its confinement. Levi began stroking him languidly and then pushed Erwin’s thighs apart so he can position himself in between them. He licked the base of Erwin’s cock and dragged his tongue up to the tip, working him up all the while.

Erwin couldn’t help the noise that escaped his throat, when Levi took him in his mouth. It was a first and he never realized what he had been missing out on.

“Look at me...” said Levi, his breath hot against his sensitive skin. Erwin opened his eyes and looked down at Levi. Meeting his steely gaze as he sucked and stroked, Erwin felt his thighs twitch.

“Fuck, Levi...” Erwin panted. “Come back here...I want you!”

Levi would’ve teased some more if it weren’t for the urgency of their situation. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and straddled Erwin’s hips once more. He reached for the tube he threw on the bed earlier and opened it, spreading the gel-like liquid on his fingers. Erwin sat up and demanded a hungry kiss. Levi moaned against his lips, giving Erwin the opportunity to slip his tongue in his mouth. With his hand he reached down between them and cupped Levi, but the captain pushed his hand away.

“Don’t worry about that,” Levi said and pushed Erwin back against the pillows. He reached behind himself and stroked Erwin with his lubed fingers.

“Levi...are you okay just like that?” Erwin asked and then swallowed, his throat dry from anticipation.

“Aha,” Levi said and braced himself, one hand on Erwin’s chest and the other pushing him in. He gasped at how his body resisted at first, but he pushed his hips further down, biting his lower lip. Erwin held his hip tightly, relishing the feeling of Levi tightening around him, but then little by little allowing more and more of him in.

When he was halfway down, Levi raised his head and blew the hair out of his eye. He looked down at Erwin and gave him a half-smile.

“You’re a big one, you know...” he huffed.

“Sorry...”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Levi panted and bent to kiss Erwin. The Commander placed his hand on his lower back and Levi began slowly rolling his hips, pushing up on him.

“Ah...” Erwin gasped. “You feel so good...”

“I missed you so much!” Levi said frowning and closed his eyes as the yearning spread throughout his body, so hot he thought he would choke.

“I missed you too...god, how much I missed you too...”

Levi felt like his chest was getting constricted. He didn’t open his eyes, afraid that he might do something stupid like start crying. Erwin then kicked in his heels in the mattress and pushed up against Levi, changing the angle and making Levi gasp in surprise and pleasure. He rested his forehead against Erwin’s right shoulder and squeezed his eyes tighter as Erwin began fucking him more rigorously. It stung, it hurt, but damn it, it wasn't anything he couldn't take. His mouth hung open and the moans escaped him with every thrust. Erwin’s hand was placed on his lower back to hold him in place, while Levi could feel his hot breath against his ear.

“Ah...ah...Erwin..!” Levi heard himself say. He had always been vocal during sex, something he probably on a subconscious level registered from the days he lived in the brothel with his mother. That was probably a very bad time to think about such things though...

With a grunt, Erwin moved under him. Levi was completely surprised when he felt himself be flipped over. He caught the wincing face Erwin made when he had to support himself on his stump for a fraction of a second, but now Erwin was on top of him. Levi felt himself twitch with desire when Erwin’s full body pressed on him. He wanted to marvel at Erwin’s restored confidence in taking control. He wanted all of him, in him, over him, he wanted to cry out at how his body yearned for Erwin’s touch. The Commander gripped the margin of the mattress as he slowly continued to fuck Levi deeply.

Levi clamped his thighs around Erwin’s hips, trying to push him deeper inside. His hands explored his back and he dug his fingernails in his flesh when the pressure began building in the lower half of his body.

“Ah...Levi...I’m really close...” Erwin panted, feeling his heart pump in his ears.

“Go...!” Levi moaned, grabbing a handful of Erwin’s ass and squeezing his thighs even harder, to signal Erwin that he would not let him go. Normally, at this point, Erwin would pull out, as Levi was very particular about the mess that came with sex, but it seemed that that night was the night of firsts.

With a few more thrusts, Erwin's hips jerked upwards, his whole body seemingly digging itself into Levi. The Captain cried out as Erwin knocked the breath out of him with his last thrusts. He sank his teeth in Erwin’s shoulder and frantically rocked his body until he felt relief too. His tights trembled and with his heels he pushed Erwin in him more and more. He wanted their bodies to be conjoined together; he wanted Erwin’s skin and body to never leave his ever again.

After they both rode their orgasms, Erwin pushed himself off Levi and continued to pant next to him, exhausted. Levi closed his eyes, closed his legs, but kept his knees up. He knew he would hate this part, but it had been so worth it.

“Are you going to kick me out so you can change the bed sheets?” Erwin asked.

“Maybe later....give me a minute...like this...” Levi said dreamily.

“Okay.” Erwin whispered and kissed Levi’s forehead before he rested his chin atop his head.

“I love you...” Levi murmured, turning his head towards Erwin’s neck and falling asleep almost instantly.

“I love you too, Levi.” Erwin whispered, although he knew Levi was already sleeping.

He felt his right shoulder sting. His stomach churned, as he felt the dread spreading through his body. He couldn’t do this anymore...he didn’t want this again! Was that how it was going to be? A few minutes of distraction and then hours of pain? He looked at his shoulder and noticed that the reason he hurt this time was because of Levi’s bite. He breathed in relief, his body relaxing once again. This was okay. He could handle that...

Yes, he would be okay in the end.

Levi did wake up later that night to change the sheets and clean himself up. He fell back asleep almost instantly; wrapping his whole body around Erwin, as if afraid he would slip away.

Somehow, the Commander did slip away from him because in the early hours of the next morning, Levi woke up with a jolt and Erwin was missing. He sat up in bed to clear his mind after the strangely dark dream he had had. He didn’t even notice when Erwin left his side, so it must have been a very intense one.

So that was it. D -day. The day of the great mission. Although the Survey Corps would set out at dusk, there were still many things to go through before that.

After changing in his uniform, Levi left the room to look for Erwin. Obviously he was in his office, looking outside the window.

“Hey...” Levi said in a low voice.

“Good morning.” Erwin said turning around to look at him. His face betrayed no emotion. That was usually how it was for them before missions. Both reverted to their commanding personas and only like that would they truly focus on the task at hand.

“I didn’t hear you leave. You should’ve woken me up too.” Levi said, going to Erwin to touch up on his uniform. While Erwin made amazing progress with clothing himself with just one arm, it wasn’t yet perfect. Levi smoothed his collar at the back and pushed his shirt further in his pants.

“I couldn’t sleep too much, so I had to get up. I didn’t want to disrupt you. You looked too cute when you were sleeping,” Erwin said as Levi now flattened his hair.

“That’s a lie, Erwin Smith. You yourself told me I looked like I had a pile of manure under my nose even when sleeping.”

Erwin laughed. “I said that? When was this...?”

Levi savored the sound of Erwin laughing. It always helped both of them relax.

“How are you feeling, Erwin?” Levi asked after a few moments spent in silence.

“I feel great.” Erwin said promptly. Levi tried to detect any signs of hidden meaning behind that answer, but Erwin just looked confident. His mask was already on and any attempt from then on to take it off would be futile. Levi should put his on as well and dedicate his remaining free time to the mission.

“Okay,” Levi said eventually and looked outside the window. The sun had just risen. A full day was ahead.

“I still have time to break your legs, you know,” Levi mumbled after they saluted goodbye the Military and Garrison leaders.

“Knock it off, Levi.” Erwin said sternly. The Survey Corps moved out of the military base and up the Wall to be transported on the other side. People gathered to cheer them on. To everyone’s utter surprise, Erwin responded to those cheers. He looked excited and wanted to pass that feeling on to everyone present.

With a roar he led the troops outside Wall Rose and into Titan territory. Hopefully, around that time the next day, they would finally call Wall Maria reclaimed human land.

“Dedicate your hearts to the cause! Onward to victory, my soldiers!” Erwin shouted and the troops replied with enthusiastic cheers, as they advanced farther towards their dreams of success.

And death.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am projecting onto Hange my 2016 feelings.  
> This is the chapter I wanted to write all along, but needed more buildup for it. It is very dramatic, because I love angst. And all I ever wanted was to see Levi show a little pain, but since Isayama never showed us that, I took it upon myself to go overboard.
> 
> Fanart [ here](https://twitter.com/Mihaella_Ella25/status/1348359450751594496?s=19)

_I hate me for breathing without you_   
_I don't want to feel anymore for you_

_Grieving for you, I'm not grieving for you_   
_Nothing real love can't undo_   
_And though I may have lost my way_   
_All paths lead straight to you_

_I long to be like you_   
_Lie cold in the ground like you_

_There's room inside for two_   
_And I'm not grieving for you_   
_I'm coming for you_

_(Like You-Evanescence)_

* * *

_How did this even happen?_

_This can’t really be reality, right? I have to wake up any moment now...I don’t like this dream..._

  
  


Levi stared at Titan Armin crushing Bertholdt’s skull in its mouth, making his shrieks finally end. The Titan growled and collapsed on the ground, making the earth shake.

He blinked and looked down at Erwin lying flat on that roof, his shirt soaked with blood from his stomach wound. Hange was behind him, gently patting Erwin on the head, as if to soothe him. He wanted to do that...

“Erwin,” he spoke, his voice scraping his throat. “I know I said that I’d take down the Beast Titan...but...I guess that would have to wait...just a little bit longer...”

Hange caressed Erwin’s cheek, then felt for his throat. She heaved closer, groaning from pain and opened Erwin’s eyes.

“He’s already dead, Levi...” Hange said flatly and closed Erwin’s eyes, holding her hand over them and then rested her forehead against his.

Levi felt a twitch in his limbs, but his mind shut down. Complete darkness. A buzzing noise filled his ears as he became completely detached from his surroundings.

“Oh...” was what he could muster to say. Floch whimpered and fell down on his knees. All his efforts had been in vain. Hange raised her head and just like Floch on the other side, threw Levi reproachful glances.

But Levi’s mind was blank. Any movement he would make from that moment on was on autopilot. Any decision he took from that moment on came from somewhere beyond him. When he thought about those moments now, he couldn’t remember anything. He registered them, but didn’t process anything.

It was now the third day after they had returned to Wall Rose. Levi was stuck in a chair facing the window in Hange’s recovery room. He did not sleep. He did not eat. He just stared outside the window, engulfed in his numbness. Only nine people returned from the mission. Nine out of a few hundreds. Hange was the new Commander of the Survey Corps. Eren and Mikasa had been confined in prison for ten days due to insubordination and attacking a superior.

People had been horrified to see how few had returned...especially when the brilliant Commander Erwin Smith was not among them. They wanted answers. What happened? Was the mission a success? Was that the end of humanity?

Hange shouted the news to the people: Wall Maria had been reclaimed to the expense of everyone missing. The power of the Colossal Titan had been claimed. Armin Alert was its new possessor. The enemy had managed to escape once again, but this time, they found out the truth of their world.

Hange presented the crowd the three notebooks that held the history of their world that they found in Doctor Jaeger’s basement. The truth was explained in them. Everyone died for them to be able to hold this priceless piece of information. That was when Hange passed out from exertion. Before taking Hange to the doctor though, the new Commander managed to give the command to have Eren and Mikasa contained. Armin had no fault in this, so he was free to do whatever he wanted. The two friends complied with their punishment without a word.

Levi tagged along, carrying Hange to the hospital where they had to have the injured eye examined. Unfortunately, the shards of glass penetrated the cornea too deep for the eye to be salvaged. Levi knew Hange would say that it was a small price to pay for all the death that occurred in the past few hours.

Like Erwin would have said...

His limbs twitched again, as if his body was still surging with energy, but his mind was still in standby. He was protecting himself in his cocoon of numbness. He didn’t want to return to the real world anymore.

The only thing that disrupted his blank slumber was Hange waking up screaming from time to time. They had sedated the new Commander, but when the effects wore off, Hange would end up having nightmares and had to be put under again. Levi just stood there, a shadow in Hange’s room. No one asked him anything. Nor did he tell anyone anything.

Armin came by one day to ask for the notebooks, to read them too, but Levi just stared at him, as if he couldn’t understand a word he was saying. Hange was still sleeping, face half-bandaged. Armin decided to leave, the tension in the room unbearable.

Poor kid, Levi found himself thinking. It must have been a shock for him to return among the living. He felt guilty for being chosen over Erwin. Guilty of Levi’s choice.

Levi winced, as his heart throbbed in his chest. He saw the look on their faces. They couldn’t understand why he did what he did. Not even Hange seemed to understand. His chest was constricted. No...he didn’t want to return...

“Give me a mirror...”

Levi blinked, not sure if he actually heard that voice or his mind made it up. He turned his head to his right and saw Hange feeling at the bandages.

“I don’t have a mirror.” Levi said and his voice sounded like a growl. He hadn’t said anything for a few days, his voice forgot how to work. Hange carefully sat up in bed and pushed the covers off. Wobbling, Hange went to the mirror above the sink at the end of the room. The image was already blurry due to not having the glasses anymore. Hange began unwrapping the bandages from around the injured eye. When the last layer was off, Hange couldn’t help but gasp and tear up.

Levi watched Hange’s process of coming to grips with the new image and the new disability. The image of Erwin staring himself in the mirror after his injury flashed in Levi’s mind. He grit his teeth as he felt the pressure of having to return to reality swelling in his chest like a balloon. His fingers started trembling, so he gripped the arms of the chair to steady himself.

“Okay...” Hange said after the third sigh. “Okay...this is not as bad as I expected...I still have one good eye and I’ll wear an eye patch...okay...I was never a pretty little thing to look at anyway...”

Hange’s voice trailed off, as her gaze fell on Levi’s reflection in the mirror. The Captain was sitting by the window and was looking back at her. “You seriously left him in that house, Levi?” came Hange’s icy remark. She couldn’t help it. That day had been full of traumas and all the new information was proving difficult to assimilate.

Levi felt his heart sink in his stomach. He felt the hate in Hange’s voice. It was so strange to be at the receiving end of that tone.

“Yes,” he said in a raspy voice.

“What the hell is wrong with you? You can’t just leave him there like some...random thing! You have to—”

“No.”

They stared at each other. “He stays there.” Levi said trying to keep his voice even.

“I am not sure I can trust your ability to take decisions.” Hange growled in return. Levi felt that one pierce him like a hot blade. He got up from his chair for the first time in days and he felt dizzy. Hange braced herself, seeing that Levi moved towards her, but the Captain moved past her. “Oi!”

“You’re not moving him from there,” Levi said, but just then Hange grabbed a hold of him, gripping the collar of his jacket and snarled in his face.

“What the fucking hell are you up to? Why did you do it, Levi? Why did you let him die like that, huh?!”

“He had fulfilled his duty, he didn’t need to be dragged back into this.”

“Bullshit! That’s bullshit and I know you know it too! I thought you of all people wanted him back...”

Levi put his hands over Hange’s, releasing himself from the Commander’s grip, but continuing their stare down.

“So what do you want? What do you want from me now, Hange? It’s done. You yelling at me won’t bring him back...”

He felt his vision become blurry. He knew Hange needed to pin the blame on someone, or just yell at someone to set all that frustration free. Levi just happened to be the receiving end of it all. He saw how Hange’s glance turned from furious to disappointed. Tears formed in her eye too.

“He was my friend too, Levi...I want to understand why you let him go...He had a chance. Everyone else wasn’t as lucky...”

Levi couldn’t bear that voice. He rather Hange were furious with him. He could take the hate. That was what he chose for himself. He chose Hell for himself in exchange for Heaven for Erwin. He was ready for the people’s hate. He had taken Erwin away from Humanity and they were scared of the future. He was too, but...he had to believe his choice was the right one.

“Why did you change your mind, Levi?” Hange asked, voice choked with tears. “I saw you fight for him until the end and then what?”

“...”

“Why aren’t you saying anything? Defend yourself! Explain why you let your friend die! Why did you bring this burden on us? Did you feel sorry for Armin?”

Levi took it all, he allowed Hange to scream at him and accuse him. “You don’t understand....he asked me to make a choice for him...either die a hero, unfulfilled or be satisfied and a villain, with a mountain of corpses at his feet...”

Hange scoffed. “Nice time you decided to be poetic, Levi...”

“I told you, you wouldn’t understand....” Levi said in a defeated voice. He suddenly felt drained and he wanted to leave, to hide, to be left alone.

“I don’t think you understand your stupid choice either...You will regret this, Levi.” Hange spat, while dragging her feet back to bed, also exhausted from their heated exchange.

The words he hated the most: ‘you will regret this’. He turned around and left Hange’s room, suddenly in need of air. The press had been circling Hange’s recovery house, as the population was growing restless to the lack of answers from the Survey Corps.

Taking a detour outside, to avoid the crowd, Levi felt another prang of pain remembering that his horse had been killed in the mission. He had to borrow another one and took off inside Wall Rose. He didn’t know where he would go. He didn’t want to go to the base. He didn’t want to go to Erwin’s apartment in Trost, nor the Capital, nor anywhere else. He felt detached, unstuck in time and space. He didn’t have a place where he belonged anymore. He felt like a villain again, running away from the world. Damn them...damn them all!

Later, after wandering about aimlessly, he realized that he had guided the horse to go way up North to Historia’s orphanage. It was late in the afternoon, when he finally dismounted. Luckily or not, Historia was always there those days and after being alerted by some of the children, she walked outside to see a defeated Levi, surrounded by the little ones.

“Captain Levi...you’re here? I was about to go down in Trost when Hange was better...” the Queen said in her pleasantly concerned voice. Levi bent and picked up one of the little girls that were tugging at his jacket, always looking for sweets or gifts. The little girl put her arms around Levi’s neck and then studied his face better, with that concerned intensity kids always had.

“Why is Captain Levi sad?” she asked frowning.

“How can you tell I am sad, huh?” Levi asked, trying to smile and sound casual, but he still felt a lump in his throat. The little girl touched Levi’s mouth and then brows, as if to indicate that there were the signs of sadness on his face. She then proceeded to pout and started crying.

“Hey now...”Levi said, confused by the kid’s reaction, but hoisted her up on his hip. “There’s no need for you to cry...don’t cry...I just...miss someone...”

“Won’t they come back?” the little girl sniffled.

Levi pondered whether to be honest and make the kid cry even more or simply lie. “Yeah...they’ll come back to see me...don’t worry...I just miss them.”

The little girl wiped her eyes and tried to smile. Levi let her down and then looked at Historia, who had tears in her eyes too.

“I didn’t bring him back, although I wanted to...” Levi said, not looking into Historia’s eyes. “I let him die a hero...”

“Okay.” Historia said. “I’m sure it was a very tough decision to make...”

“The hardest decision I’ve ever had to make...” Levi said. “I don’t even know if it was the right one...”

“When do we ever, Captain?” Historia said in a quiet voice and led Levi inside the building.

  
  


  
  


It was at the orphanage that Levi finally collapsed from exhaustion and slept for almost a full day. The dreams had not been pleasant, however. _He_ was there. Of course he would be there...it would probably take years until he would stop appearing. And when that would happen, it would mean that Levi had finally forgotten him. Levi was terrified of that thought more than the apparitions.

He would never... _ever_ allow himself to forget Erwin. He hoped that he would die before that ever happened.

Still out of it, Levi returned to Wall Rose along with Queen Historia, as an extraordinary meeting needed to be arranged with all the Military higher-ups.

Levi didn’t really...want to be a part of all that anymore. He didn’t want to be in charge of anything, he didn’t want to fully understand what Dr. Jaeger’s memoirs actually meant for Humanity...he didn’t want the people to look at him accusingly, even if he knew they still would and he would accept it, but how could anything still matter anymore? How was it that the sun still shone in the sky, when he knew the sun had set forever in Wall Maria...?

He realized late that day, that Hange was talking to him. He really did not register anything that was said.

“Levi!” Hange snapped. Levi stared. Hange sighed exasperated. “Levi, why did you come back here if you can’t focus?”

“Would you let me go if I said I didn’t want to be here?” Levi asked.

“No.” Hange said. “You’re not getting out of this that easily. I don’t want to be here either, but the circumstances brought me in this position...You think it’s easy trying to take decisions for the whole Survey Corps?”

Levi stared at Hange, all the hate spewed just passing right through him. “No...it’s definitely not easy, especially when you don’t know what the outcome will be in the end...”

Hange’s position faltered for a bit. “Zackley came to see me yesterday, when you decided to flee...”

Eren and Mikasa were to be released from prison. They were needed in the meeting. Levi went through the motions. It seemed like so much time passed since they returned and yet it had been just a few days. The Survey Corps was so busy with meetings and press conferences that when the days would end, people would just collapse. Levi avoided sleep. He dreaded the night. He wanted to stay numb, but awake, because when he was awake he could force himself not to think...think of him and how he left him in that attic, all alone, easy prey for any wild animals and the cold...

He avoided any human interaction unless it was mandatory. He heard Floch accuse him of taking decisions based on his emotions in front of everyone. He felt the people’s reproachful glances. Some agreed with Floch. Hange told him one night that it aggravated people to see him so detached, as if Erwin had been just a nobody, easily cast aside.

“Do people expect me to regret my decision?” Levi asked.

“I think they just want to understand why you changed your mind. We’ve lost a great strategist, people are afraid of an invasion from the outside world...you know, these kinds of sentiments...” Hange replied.

The anger Hange felt towards Levi had lost some of its intensity, but she still got a sense of satisfaction reproaching Levi’s decision and disinterest in the world. Hange knew it was petty, but she couldn’t help it. Even if it was now just the two of them, and they should’ve still been a team, they were both too sore from the loss of their close friends. Levi remembered that Hange lost Moblit too and wasn’t handling the empty rooms and lonelier nights too well either. Neither of them wanted to talk about their sleepless nights. So, he allowed the abuse.

“We have to return to the base,” Hange said and Levi felt something like a claw clench around his stomach. “We need more recruits...” Hange sighed. “I don’t even know what we’re supposed to do next...”

Hange threw Levi a glance, foolishly waiting for a suggestion. “Maybe you’d want to clean it up...”

As if nothing ever happened.

  
  


  
  


The idea of going back to the base made Levi sick to his stomach. Hange had to sort through Erwin’s Commander papers and actually start work as the head of the Survey Corps. First thing needed was recruiting more people. But before recruiting more people, they needed to set the goal of the Survey Corps from then on. Ridding the Walls of Titans was a priority, so they needed to think of ways to organize that.

The base was basically empty, but for the guards. The Survey Corps was only nine people now. There were no horses in the stables, no trainees on the training grounds.

Hange went to Erwin’s office first. Levi lingered in the hallways. Being on the floor where their room had been made his palms sweat and his knees turn to rubber. The lights were out and the draft wailed through the cracks.

He would go to his old room instead. The air inside was stale. He quickly scanned the room to see if there was anything of _his_ that might break him. Nothing. The room was pretty much bare except for the bed, chair and dresser. He went to the window, opened it and breathed in the fresh air. His chest still felt constricted and his heart was still pounding against his rib cage. He had been like that for days. The constant strain on his mind made it impossible to eat or relax. Also, as much as he hated any human being that wanted something from him, he couldn’t bear being alone. He couldn’t imagine trying to sleep here that night...alone.

He never believed in ghosts. The so called spirits were the result of an overactive imagination of a grieving person, who was still hung up on the deceased. No...he wasn’t afraid of ghosts. He was just losing his mind. Maybe hallucinating due to lack of sleep.

He tried to busy himself with cleaning the room, although the room was already clean. His head was spinning and his ears were still ringing, when the door to the room opened and Hange barged in.

“You startled me.” Levi said, picking himself up from the floor where he was looking for any dust bunnies under the bed.

“Why? We’re the only ones here,” Hange said matter-of-factly. “Anyway, I was in Erwin’s....my new office—Levi winced— and went through some documents and I found this in the top drawer...”

Hange handed out an envelope that had only the word ‘Levi’ written on it. Levi felt the ground move from under him. That was Erwin’s handwriting. He stared at the envelope, feeling he might faint or vomit or probably both.

He walked past Hange, who was still holding out the envelope and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Read it to me,” Levi said in a feint voice, back turned to Hange, hands kneading together. He might actually just throw up...

“It’s addressed to you...” Hange said frowning at Levi’s behavior.

“Just...read it out. Please.”

Hange let her hand down and walked to the window for more light. She opened the envelope, took out the two slips of paper and straightened out the letter.

She began:

“ _Dear Levi,_

_If this letter reaches you, this means that I am dead and couldn’t get to my office to destroy it before you found it. It may surprise you, but for the past year or so, before every mission, I would write you a letter like this and destroy it if I returned unharmed from said mission. This is why you never got to read any of them, because I made it back every time. I’ve been a very lucky man..._

_As much as I like to believe I am prepared for anything, I cannot predict my death. Knowing however that it has occurred during this last mission allows me to speculate and say this: I never really wanted that serum. I know I never told you out right not to give it to me, because I could never be 100% sure of the situation you would be put in, but if I died before you got to me, I just want to say: thank you. It might sound cowardly from your end, but truth is, I wanted this to be my ‘ultimate mission’. We talked about this. I wanted to go all out on this, all or nothing. I hope that I gave my all for you and humanity._

_Secondly, Levi, I want to say I am sorry. God, I have so many things to apologize for. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive my faults and just remember me fondly. I am so sorry for the pain I put you through, Levi. I saw how much you suffered for me and with me and I hoped that you would turn around and hate me instead, spare yourself of this wreck that I had become. Yes, it goes back to that...I am deeply ashamed for lingering on my own pain, for not being strong enough to get over the fact that my body was incomplete. I wanted so bad to ignore that festering pain and obsession, for everyone’s sake, but I was weak...I gave in to my worst thoughts. I am sorry Levi. You wasted so much time, so much energy, so many tears over my weakness. Oh, how I wanted to still be the man worthy of you. A man worth following. But I know what I had become...and I know you saw that too. That’s what hurt the most: becoming weak in your eyes._

_No, I couldn’t bear this anymore. I am weak. I want a way out. My way out is this mission. That was why we had that argument in my office. I needed to be in this mission, because I wanted to finally die. Be free from it all. Maybe even discover the truth hidden in Grisha Jaeger’s basement. I hope I made a worthy last sacrifice to Humanity and I hope everything I have speculated over was true...”_

Levi realized he hadn’t been breathing until Hange paused to flip the page. Her voice was shaky as she continued:

“ _...But how can I tell you of all people that I wanted to die when I know you would feel absolute revulsion only thinking about that? I know you would give your anything for me, Levi. I know you dedicated your heart to me and I know it would hurt your very soul to just let me die, but know that I am grateful. Don’t beat yourself up over not doing everything to save me. I hated what I had become. I hated waking up and feeling my mind clouded by my pain. I hate myself for using drugs to subdue myself. I might have ended up an addict at the rate I was craving that morphine. I couldn’t live like that anymore. You are probably angry with me right now, for giving up like that and I understand. You wanted to cure me so badly and I wanted that too...until I understood that there was nothing, absolutely nothing that could pull me out of this slump. Eren’s new story only gave me the boost to stop procrastinating, but I am sure that once the mission were over and I survived, I would’ve slumped back in my dark place._

_But I digress. Levi, the most important thing I want you to take from this is that I love you...”_

“Levi, I can’t read this anymore...” Hange broke off, nose sniffling. “It’s your letter...”

“Go on.” Levi cut her short, then said in a softer voice, “Please...”

Hange’s shaky voice continued: _“...I love you, Levi. I didn’t say this enough to you, but I hope you at times felt it too. I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings in words, but let this be a testament for the love and respect I have for you. From the moment I saw you in the Underground, I knew you were special. You were something else. You were a force to reckon and you set my heart on fire. Don’t laugh of my melodramatic writing. Read this letter and remember that I love you with every fiber of my being, even if I barely ever told you._

_Ah, how I regret not telling you this more often. I love you! I love you!_

_I am sorry for making you suffer, Levi. Please, please forgive my mistakes towards you and remember me fondly. Remember that any decision you might have taken came from a good place. I don’t hold anything against you._

_Take care of yourself, Levi._

_Love,_

_Erwin Smith._

  
  


The silence exploded in the room. Levi’s ears were ringing and his whole body felt numb. Hange wiped her eyes and stared at Levi’s hunched back turned to her.

“Oh, Levi...” Hange said quietly.

“Can you leave me alone for a little bit? Please?” Levi said in an even voice, not turning around to look at Hange.

Hange stomped out of the room, not before throwing the two pages of the letter on the bed, next to Levi. It might have been a little too cruel to make Hange read out loud such a personal letter, but Levi was glad Hange got to do it.

The door slammed shut when Hange left the room. Levi turned his head to a side and looked at the letter. ‘Love, Erwin Smith’ was visible on the corner of a page.

Suddenly and almost violently, the sounds of the outside world burst in his ears. The ringing had ceased and it felt like his body had been flung back to Earth. Quickly, Levi folded the letter and got out of the room. Then ran down the hallway, past Hange, who was sitting by a window crying and burst into his and Erwin’s former room. His heart was thumping in his ears and he felt his blood rushing to his head. He looked around the room. Nothing! He had cleaned up everything before the mission.

He went to the dresser and flung open its door. Erwin’s shirts were neatly folded. Clean! Clean! Of course they were all clean! Damn himself for being a clean freak! Levi groaned and rummaged through the dresser for...something...anything that wasn’t obsessively clean...something that still held any memory of being worn or used by a human being.

Levi felt his breath catching in his throat, as he looked around himself. Please...let there be something...His eyes caught a glance of their bed. He snatched Erwin’s pillow and sniffed it. It was there...just barely still there.

Then, in that very moment, he felt it. It knocked the legs from under him and he hunched over on the floor, while grasping Erwin’s pillow for dear life. The pain seared like a hot blade in his rib cage and a scream of anguish erupted from his throat. He had never heard such a sound escape him. It ripped through him and knocked the breath out of him. He doubled over still unable to draw breath. He was gripping the pillow with so much force that he heard it rip. With a tremendous effort, he forced himself to breathe in, but it burst out of him in sobs almost immediately.

He was probably dying. He had never felt such force take over him, clawing at his heart, threatening to rip it out of his chest. It felt like a dam that couldn’t be contained anymore. The tears blinded him, they splashed on the floor, his nose was running, his mouth unable to close. Every breath was painful to take and it was rejected by his body immediately. His mouth formed words that he could never pronounce anymore.

What had he done? Erwin was dead...Erwin was dead! Gone! He would never see him again! Never! Never! Never!

“I did it for him!” he cried out to the empty walls. If it was the right thing to do, why did it hurt him so badly? How do you rip half of your heart out and continue to live? How could he live without him? He wanted to die too. He wanted everything to end for him too in that moment! Every breath without him hurt.

“Erwin...I am sorry...I didn’t want them to take you...but wh-what about me? What do I do now?”

He lamented his pain and loss. His heart was bleeding Erwin out; from every fiber of his being he bled out. His very soul was being torn in half.

“No...” he wailed to himself, as he held the pillow to his chest, inhaling Erwin’s faint scent. He didn’t want to let him go. He would never let him go. He would never forget this pain he brought upon himself, all for Erwin to be free. He would take all of his pain and give him redemption instead. He would let the world tear him to shreds, blast him to pieces, but he would never let go of Erwin’s memory. He would never allow himself to get over this pain, fearing that if he eased up, he would forget him.

  
  


The crying subsided eventually, as it always did. His body gave out and he clutched Erwin’s pillow to his chest, along with his letter and closed his eyes, right there on the floor. He hoped that if he ever opened his eyes again, the world would end, because there was no point in existing without half of his heart.

  
  


_I will never forget you, Erwin. No matter what happens, I will fulfill your last command. Your sacrifice will never be in vain._

_Take with you my love, leave me your pain and you will have freedom. I am willing to sacrifice myself for your goal, for your vision. I have dedicated my heart to you and you shall have it. For as long as I still live, I will seek to avenge you and those that have fallen with you. Your victory is my goal and I will never forget that._

_You will always be in my heart, my only true Commander. Rest now, my love, you are free._

  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.  
> This was a process....to grieve Erwin. And I have to say that after 4 years, I think I finally managed to do that.  
> I wanted to write another funeral scene, but I thought that I was dragging it on for too long, and then things started happening in real life and I couldn't go back to the right atmosphere to write it, so I scraped that.  
> Here are some of the songs that I feel go well with this fic ( although I know I never really go to listen to the songs an author recommends, sorry XD Don't be like me):  
> [ My Heart is Broken -Evanescence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1QGnq9jUU0)  
> [Like You-Evanescence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UzAtPZcv1c)  
> [Heartache-One OK Rock](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ivo6e0mOtns)  
> [The Sound of Silence- Disturbed](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9Dg-g7t2l4)  
> [Until It Sleeps- Metallica](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnWz59xz8Pc)  
> [The Unforgiven 3- Metallica](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXl2exeH8tI)  
> [Yours to Hold- Skillet](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_70iHzNRVxc)  
> [Not Gonna Die- Skillet](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgHhrzJQAvE)  
> [Lost in Paradise- Evanescence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rnxlW5TrBs)  
> [Good Enough- Evanescence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sbMFi7uKZY)  
> [Taking Over Me- Evanescence](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdrkL4d88KI)  
> [ Everytime- Britney Spears](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyoJsKrb5N0&ab_channel=BritneySpears-Topic)  
> [Who Knew- Pink](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJWIbIe0N90)  
> [Zero Eclipse- Hiroyuki Sawano](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQYRFL5asv4)  
> [Red Swan- Attack on Titan Season 3 OST](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1XE8ON8fos)  
> [Wo Bist Du- Rammstein](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTbPEkyh-UA)


End file.
